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Damn. I lied. Or am still refusing to admit to myself. Maybe both. I don't know.

Becca asked me a question (scroll back a couple of posts) about what sort of wedding I would want to have.

That's usually the sort of question I find a way to change the subject on really quickly his time I didn't. And then Rob and Suzy are getting married (Congratualations you two!!!), and then another friend was just talking about how he's thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. And I'm so happy for these other people.

And I just reaized that the last time I've felt the way I do right now was was back at Christmas when my sister got engaged. (Not to say that this sort of issue has ALWAYS been what caused me to feel like this, but it's what's on my mind now.)

Am I jealous of people? I can't honestly say more than "I don't know"

I know that it does bother me that I'm 27 and have never met anyone that I would consider being in a really serious relationship with. Which, I guess, is just adult speak for "I've never had a boyfriend", but saying that is really junior-highish. And desperate-sounding.

It's not pathetic or desperate or at all bad to say "Gee I would like to meet someone that I could share my time and interests with, and maybe someday fall in love with them. Or not."

But somehow, when a statement like that comes from my mind, it's wrong.

Haven't I done enough proving to myself that I don't *need* anyone? What I *want* is a possibility.

Am I being too picky? Or, is some little part in my mind just dismissing everyone I meet saying "You don't *need* that. You're okay by yourself." I just can't get over the memories of all the giggly junior high and high school girls and "I want a boyfriend." and "Oh my god, you're not going out with anyone" in like...6th and 7th grade. Where yeah....the guy two rows over in history sure was cute but "Oh no I'm 13 and I don't have a boyfriend. Gee, I think i'll get over it."

I don't know. Just writing this, I want to delete it because I'm making these thoughts known. If you've been reading my journal for any length of time, you may have noticed that I may post that so and so is hot, cute otherwise goodlooking, or flirting with someone. Which never goes anywhere. And the extremely occasional first date which just...goes nowhere. Outside of that....I never think or talk about the future in terms of there possibily being someone else there. It's *me*, or *I*. There's never even a hypothetical *if*

I don't think that's what I want. But I don't know. And like I said, I have yet to meet anyone that I would even think of that sort of possibility with.

*flinches*
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why did they pick the "e" to be the silent letter at the end of words? who has this sort of authority? why don't we have silent a's at the end of words?
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Is it just my imagination, or is the meody to the song Peaceful World by John Mellencamp almost identical to, just with not such a strong beat as Ride Wit' Me by Nelly???
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*Sigh*

So I really hate to see it when people don't have enough money for food, clothes, rent etc...especially when they have kids. On Sunday coming back from the Grove with Jesse and steph, I saw a woman standing on Northern Parkway wth a sign asking for money to buy food for her kids. She had two kids there, playing at her feet. It didn't occur to me until we were pulling through the intersection that I could have asked Jesse to pull over (nevermind that there was a couple of lanes between us and the side of the road and a LOT of traffic)...I had a huge container of soup and about a third of an apple pie left over from Ostara and some granola bars in my backpack...I'd have given her the food. I have no idea if they had dinner that night. It's heartbreaking. I wish there was somerthing more that I could do, but at the moment, things are a little tight for me. But is it enough to donate canned goods to a food pantry? I guess not because..well, it helps someone in the moment, but does it get them OUT of the situation? for some, it's a short-term thing...they lost their job, they find a new one and they can pick theirself up, dust off and move on. but for so many, it's obviously not. For so many reasons. And what DO you do for the peole who don't want to get out of it, who ONLY want to rely on others? I think people have some responsibility to help each other, but I also think they have a greater responsibility to help themselves. When does enough become enough, when should people HAVE to take some active role in being responsibe for their own well being?

I'm not familiar with the welfare system and I'm not exactly a lawmaker or anyhting like that...But wouldn't it make sense to require everyone on welfare to also be in some sort of job training program, or something like that so that while they're being helped, they're also being given the ability to become independent eventually? Maybe something where they could turn around and work in the same system to help people who are in the same situation they once were? Like, okay, we're going to hlp you out here, and we're going to teach you...I dunno, office skills...the stuff you need to know that once you've completed this program, we'll give you a job and you'll work for a certain amount of time with us helping people who are in the same situation that you were, and then after a time, we'll help you find a job elsewhere. I don't know.it just makes some sense to me set up a welfare system to get people out of it and help them became capable of supporting themselves and their families....No I don't know how such a thing would be implimented. Yeah, it would be a huge overhaul and it would cost more money in the beginning...But in the long run, it could be getting people off of welfare and able to support themseves and give back to the community.

(side note...i'm not referring to people who are not able to work due to whatever health roblems, disabilities, etc)

On a slightly different note on a similar vein...it's really starting to creep me out that I can't buy an MTA pass at a machine half the time without someone standing there, begging for change and saying things like "You can't tell me you don't have any cause I just watched you buy a ticket and get change from the machine."

Also, there's this lady that pops up every now and then down at Charles and Preston by the Wachovia ATM. She waits for people to get money from the ATM and then begs from them. The same story every time. She and her kids are getting evicted from their house today and need cab money to get to a shelter in (Insert the farthest-away part of the city you can think of). It's usually during the day, lots of people around. I've seen her at night too. I've also seen an occasional man (different ones) doing the same thing- though usually at night. That ATM is just around the corner from my house..but I never use it anymore...it's really pretty creepy and I don't want to have to worry about getting mugged. Most of the time, I use the ATM at the train station, even though it's not my bank..because no one's going to stand there and watch me take money from the machine, and there are Amtrak police officers thirty feet away and usually at least one B'more cop wandering around.

Last night, I hoped off the 19 after taking the bus back from picking up my coat at the Grove, and as soon as I crossed the street, a man came up to me asking for directions to somewhere in Fells Point. I told him how to get in the general direction of Fells Point, but that I didn't know how to get to the exact place he was going to. Then he asks for money to take the bus. I didn't have money on me and I said as much. I was arrying my day pass, which I was finished using, but was still good for several more hours. I offered that to him. He said no, he didn't want to take my pass. Could I give him money? I said again that I didn't have any on me, but I was finished with the pass, if he needed to get somewhere, he could use that. So he took it and I started to walk away. This was right next to the Rite Aid by the State Center...I was walking dowen the sidewalk and he asked as I was walking away, if when I came out of the store if I would have any change then so he could get something to eat (nevermind that he was carrying a bag through which I could clearly see two fotlong subs, two bottles of soda, and he was eating chips by the handful). I told him I wasn't going to the store, wished him good luck and walked away. A police officer that had been sitting nearby the entire time asked me if the guy had threatened me or anything...he hadn't, he was quite polite...but well...what the hell do you do? If the officer hadn't been there I probably would have just kept walking when the guy refused the pass to begin with. I mean...I'm concerned about people and all...but I'm not going to endanger myself.

and sometimes people lie... )

Like I said, its heartbreaking...but what do you do about people that just want to languish in the system...or that lie? And some people are getting more and more aggressive or creepy in their begging tactics...
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When a cat's paws come to rest on one's sternum or clavicle, said cat becomes the weight of a Clydesdale for the duration of said rest.
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I'm watching tea leech out of the teabag. Black cherry tea. Pretty :-)
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"Though writing has become the most commonplace of information technologies, it remains in many ways the most magical. Brought into focus by properly educated eyes, artificial glyphs scrawled onto the surface of objects leap unbidden into the mind, bringing with them sounds, meanings and data. In fact, it is very difficult to gaze intentionally upon a page of script written in a known language and not automatically begin reading it. The ecophilosopher David Abram notes that, just as a Zuni elder might focus her eyes upon a cactus and hear the succulent begin to speak, so do we hear voices printed out of our printed alphabets. "This is a form of animism that we take for granted, but it is animism nonetheless- as mysterious as a talking stone."

Techgnosis, pg. 23
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I really appreciate...and absolutely abhor...belonging to a religious congregation where people think nothing of sitting around in sacred space and busting into a conversation comprised solely of Gnome puns. Prompted by someone commenting on the glaring fact...that there was a Yard Gnome perched very conspicuously on the altar.

Remind me what I'm doing with these people? *giggle*

Caryn cracks me up and now that she's retiring from the Coast Guard, no doubt, there will be plenty more "So I was sitting around one day with nothing to do, when...." stories. And Will just reminds me of a slightly mad professor.

And we had a moment of fortuitous synchronicity...or something...today when I was discussing my plans for the full moon ritual next Sunday evening...and Caryn announces that I was using things that she was planning to teach about during the lore meeting earlier that afternoon.

So I've got a bit of ritual writing to do...and this one should be easy, since it's one I've done a few times before, really jsut need to write it up and tweak a bit for the occasion. If all goes well- or I don't get distracted (cue the chorus of Little Bunny FooFoo!), I'll be mostly finished with it tonight, and them some ponderation about Imbolc.
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I feel better now...except that I feel like I've been flattened by a runaway Mack truck.
This is the result of a thought?

Imagine numbers so high they dont have names...and no matter how high you count, you can always count one higher.
Where does this universe end? What shape is it? Is it spherical? What marks the boundaries? Are there walls? I kinda imagine it like on The Truman Show...after the storm, when Jim Carey's boat hits the wall and he finds the stairs. Maybe the universe doesn't have stairs and a door to exit the studio...but the universe is either infinite or it isn't, and if it isn't...well, it has to end somewhere. And what would the walls be made of? There's a thought...What contains the universe?

Just thoughts.

Right now, Psycho (Er, Fireball) is curled up and sleeping on me. She's adorable when she's asleep. She could care less about what the walls of the universe are made of.

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