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Dear World,

You fail at weather. I hate you.

No love,

Fuego


Dear Baltimore,

You fail at snow removal. Monumentally so. I hate you.

Even less love,

Fuego
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Dear Job Recruiter,

Yes, I am looking for a job. And I was certainly happy to receive your email asking if I would be interested in an interview for a position with your company. It sounds great, really and I am, of course, in need of gainful employment.

However, I fail to understand why you would even begin to think that I may be right for the position for which you sent a description. It is located in Michigan. Perhaps you missed the fact that my Dice profile indicates that I am NOT interested in relocation. Okay, I forgive you. But there's also the fact that the description indicates that three years' experience with Cold Fusion and Apache and two years experience troubleshooting Linux and Novell servers are hard, unnegotiable "musts". Nowhere on my resumé do the words "Cold", "Fusion", "Apache", "Linux" or Novell" appear in any combination.

Even beyond that, the description indicates that you require a Master's Degree. A half-second glance just for that would tell you that I DON'T HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE AT ALL.

My only guess is that you just send your description to every new profile that you see on the site. Stop wasting my time.

No love,

Fuego
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Dear World,

Die, ISDN, die!
*stab stab stab*

Yours truly,

Fuego
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Dear Mumsie,

I know it's a parental thing to lecture about stuff like water intake, but did you miss the bit where I said I've been practically surgically attached to a three-liter bottle of water since Saturday? And then you lecture me about eating enough fruit...after I've told you that that's almost all I ate all weekend.

If you really must lecture me, could you be sure to not lecture me about doing something that I'm already doing?

Love,

Fuego
badstar: (i'm a genius)
Dear Universe,

This isn't funny, really. First Tony. Then Gary. And Roland, Ogie and Tiffany. Now the new coworker.

Who the hell do I have to blow around here to get a coworker that doesn't snore?

Not only does she snore but her head bobs back and forth with each snore like something I've only ever previously seen in cartoons.

Seriously, knock it off.

Running out of patience,

Fuego
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Dear Fucktard,

You have a most fascinating definition of "fraud".

Please sir, do go right ahead and attempt to file a lawsuit. When the court sees that you refused to follow provided directions to get the software on your computer working properly, they will likely point and laugh at your "fraud" suit.

Additionally, it is well disclosed on the software packaging and inserts, as well as on the website and in the terms of use that you agree to when you install the program that the license is good for one year at which point you must either purchase a new license or cease to use our program. Which choice you take is entirely up to you. But it is well documented. This is also not fraud.

Enclosed, please find a dictionary with the definition for "fraud" clearly marked and highlighted. Once you have read and memorized the definition, please apply dictionary repeatedly with copious force to your forehead. If you do not wish to do this, please call me and I will be most delighted to do it for you.

Thank you most kindly for your attention to this matter.

Cordially,

Fuego
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...cause I haven't written any lately.

Dear Idiot,

You called me last Thursday during business hours looking for assistance with your licensing. Though we resolved your issue immediately, I still needed you to scan and email some information after the fact- you were most pleasant and understanding about doing so. For that, I thank you.

What becomes problematic is that you had additional licenses with which you had issues, on which you provided only partial information...in the email with the scan from the previous information.

I emailed you back to inform you that I had received the information, and that I had started a ticket...but I also informed you that more information was required, and that I was getting ready to leave the office and would not be back in the office til next week and to please contact the technical support department as you did earlier in the day when you initially spoke with me because that is how these matters are handled.

Kind sir would you care to explain why in the hell you emailed me back not eighteen hours later- just in case I happened to change my mind about being gone for four days- to inform me that you still had the same issue and that you would contact technical support but "do not expect that anyone will be there" and that you would email me again if no one answered?

It appears as though you've never called back in. You're just not getting this resolved unless you call back in.

Cordially,

Fuego

*sigh*

I am not a personal assistant, we don't provide personalized email technical support. I am one of the few people in the department who regularly gives people my email address instead of sending a "do not respond" email and telling people how to attach information to tickets (It's really a lot easier to use the regular email)

This is just never a problem, in the year that I've been here, I think I've had one other person email me with a request that should have been called in on...and all I needed to do was refer him to another department so that wasn't a big deal. This one is just crazy. "I'm gonna email you about my problem that I want fixed right now even though I know you're not in the office for the next four days and hope you decided that you'd actually be coming in tomorrow after all."
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Dear H.D. Thoreau,

You are boring. Insufferably so.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Fuego
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Dear Loud And Obnoxious Coworkers,

Look, I'm at my desk with music playing,you're at your desks in your little area...fifty feet away. That I can hear every word and nuance of your conversation as if you were sitting right next to me is a problem. Trust me, I do not want to hear the details of your latest shopping trip for underwear and how much you looooove thongs. This is a business. Act like it. If you really must discuss such things, would you be so kind as to lower your voices so that I cannot hear you halfway across the office over the music on my computer and other people's conversations? and by that, I mean shut the hell up.

Cordially,

Fuego.
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Dear Sinuses,

One would think that after blowing my nose so many times, there would come a point where there's no more snot for me to need to continue. Somehow I've used up roughly six million three hundred thousand four hundred and ninety eight tissues in the last 36 hours or so. Oh, and I thoroughly object to being unable to breathe through my nose.

Sincerely,

Fuego
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Dear Multitude of Web Forum Pagans:

For Pete's sake, stop- or at least greatly reduce your use of the phrase "drawn to". You are NOT inexplicably and mystically "drawn to" every little thing that interests you. Seriously. If nothing else, the phrase just gets used FAR TOO MUCH. I should NOT be visiting a forum and finding fifty threads with questions like "What element are you drawn to?" "What tarot card are you drawn to?" "What books are you drawn to?" "What color clothing are you drawn to?" Find some other way to express the sentiment.

Sincerely,

Fuego
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Dear Samhain,

I bid you a resounding "meh".

Yours in Apathy,

Fuego
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Dear Coworker,

You bitch because we have no work to do overnight.
So they assigned us some additional responsibilities and want us to take over all web tickets.
Now you're bitching about that- you say you didn't take this job to do that, you say you took it because you needed the insurance and because of the certification that we're supposed to get in 6 months.

You say it's not fair for us to do all the web tickets and for the day people to not do any...they take all the freakin' calls. We just sit here and babysit the lines. Oh, and Brian says that he likes doing them and he'll do all the web tickets that come in before he leaves at midnight. And it's not like a whole lotta those things come in after midnight either. I haven't seen a single one come in between midnight and 8am all week.

So...just...take a pill okay? And just go back to napping under your desk all night. If you're so bored, bring a novel. If you hate the job so much, quit. The two reasons you took the job are not the job itself. One is a benefit, the other...well, it's beneficial but it's an aspect of the job that doesn't come for another five months yet. So shuddup and stick it out or quit, 'kay?

Sincerely,

Fuego
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Dear Coworker,

Whoa there speedy, learn to walk. You really don't *need* to run everywhere in the office. And I don't think a lot of people are particularly happy when you run into them and spill their coffee on a daily basis. Oh, and hearing you "clop clop clop" as you run by while I'm on the phone gets a bit annoying. So like, walk already.

Sincerely,

Fuego
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Dear Coworker,

I have a brilliant suggestion. Next time, finish zipping your fly before you step out of the men's room and into the hallway.

Sincerely,

Fuego
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I found the receipts that I need for BGE last night. So now I just have to call 'em up on my lunch break and bitch 'em out. The account numbers on the receipts, at least are correct. Why must everything be so complicated?

Oh and Dear Weather Gods,

Your cute little delayed April Fools joke can stop now. Please remove the current weather and replace with something more properly in accordance. This is springtime in Maryland. Not springtime on the far side of the arctic circle.

Cordially,

Fuego
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Dear Chelle,

You will have to wait til tomorrow to get that measurement for the dress. How is it they say...lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Deal.

Yours Truly,


Fuego
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Dear Customer Service,

If the customer in question does not have the software installed on their network, and they do not have install discs to do anyhitng with, DON'T transfer them to tech support. I don't care if they had it installed in 2003. Obviously, something happened in those four years. Moreover, don't get bitchy when I transfer them back to you explaining your gross oversight. If they don't even have the blasted software, What the foxtrot do you think I'm going to do- walk them through an imaginary installation?

Cordially,

Fuego
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Dear World,

You fail at weather.

Cordially,

Fuego
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Dear Guy At Hechts:

So it's not really that big a deal that you didn't hold the door open for me on the way into the store despite the fact that I was an entire armlength behind you, but did you really have to attempt to pull the door closed behind you as I grabbed the handle to walk through? Both times?

Cordially,

Fuego



Dear Prospective Employer,

If you're posting a help wanted ad, and the job in question requires

1. That the employee own a car and
2. That the employee engage in a certain amount of travel as part of the job duties,

Would it not be most prudent and expeditious to state those facts in the ad so as to avoid wasting my time sending a resume and your time calling me only to discuss that AFTER offering me an interview?

Sincerely,

Fuego

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