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Sep. 20th, 2005 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badstarMom called me last night like, at midnight. Literally, I was laying down to go to sleep. I said as much, but we talked for about 10 minutes about nothing in particular....and then she mentioned it being Anthony's birthday today and suggested I "sneak in a call". My response was a muttered "No one ever sneaks in a call on my birthday"
Her response was that I never called them. I never call them, they never call me. when we do talk, it's so awkward because no one knows what to say to each other, except for Chelle giving random bits of news about people and stuff that mean nothing to me "The squirrel on Grammy's porch chewed on the Christmas lights!"...stuff like that. So...for the second time in a week, I was in a phone conversation with my mother and before you can say "crybaby" I'm bawling my eyes out again because I don't know how to deal with my family, they don't know how to deal with me, my grandmother and father are talking about people behind their back- specifically, my mom. At one point a few weeks ago, my brother borrowed my grandmother's care in the middle of the night- supposedly to take a friend to the hospital. Never told anyone. My grandmother freaked and called the cops. Then proceeded to stand there and tell them about what a horrible mother my mom was, that she'd never been there for any of us, blah blah blah. As it happens, my mom knows the township police that responded.
My brother Mike is getting his ass kicked on a cosmic scale. Every few weeks he gets a job and something happens that he gets fired. One time he somehow managed to swallow broken glass that was in a thermos, which landed him in the hospital. Because of that he was fired. Another time he was put in jail for being behind in child support. Another time he got a cut on his cornea on the job. Stuff like that.
Mom says Chelle's become far more of a bitch than she ever has been, living over at Grammy's. They just feed off of each other.
She says that if I want to have a relationship with my family members. I have to make the first move if they won't. Blah blah blah. Talk to them as if they were strangers. Ask them about their job, the weather etc.
It's really sad when it's easier to talk to complete strangers than your own family. But what do I do?
So there I am sniffling and sobbing and practically hyperventilating, and what do you know...Mumsie suddenly breaks out the "life lessons" speech. "You're going through this for a reason, you have to learn something from this" blah blah blah." As soon as she stops to draw breath, I come back with "You know, right now I don't really give a fuck about life lessons. I don't want to hear it. You're my mommy. Can't you fix it?"
I think this was the point that she realized that might as well be curled up on the kitchen floor again.
So then there was about a half hour of me knowing how it is blah blah blah...it's always like that, your father is never going to change unless he wants to, he's always been immature and selfish, it's like that with everyone. He learned it from your grandparents..."
(Insert a good deal more of this here.)
Sometimes I don't want to hear about "life lessons". Sometimes I don't want to hear that other people have it worse than me. Sometimes I really don't care about anyone else. Sometimes just for a few minutes, I AM the center of the fricken universe, if only in my own mind. Sometimes that's the only way I can deal with things. Hell, when I was 17 and my best friend was dying of cancer, I was dealing with more than I could comprehend besides that. And my mom would tell me it's okay blah blah blah, and to think of Alex and what she's going through. My response then, in those occasional few minutes...even in reference to my dying best friend was "I don't care." Somehow, I'm not sorry to say this.
Does this make me a bad person?
Then suddenly we break out with "...and like I said it's all for a reason, and if you're planning to serve ass clergy in some capacity, if you can learn to get past this and let it go, you can use it to help people..." And onto a good 15 minute of that. And finally she decided that it was ime for me to go to sleep and hung up.
About 15 minutes later, I called her back. I told her I wanted her to tell me what she meant when she said that I was different from the rest of the family. I told her that I tried to ask, but she didn't answer and started talking about something else. Her answer was "what, you don't know? You can't see it?"
Well duh, yes. I know. I'd be blind not to see it, but I wanted to hear exactly what SHE meant. So she launches into me dealing with things much better than everyone else. I'm more sensitive and emotional, and I don't just lash out in anger about things. I'm artistic and intelligent, and while Mike is fairly intelligent he doesn't use it, but she wishes that Chelle and Anthony had more brains, and none of them know how to relate to me, so they make fun of me and I walk away. They make fun of me and I stay "aloof" I get along better with my stepfather's family than my own family.
Hmm.
At this point, I didn't have the energy left to be a mess. But the other thing I wanted to know, I asked before i hung up...did she telll anyone else about me joining Cedarlight and all that? (I never said not to so...)
She told Mike (my stepfather) Oh yay. Apparently his reaction was "Hmm." and then saying somethign that she didn't remember, but wasn't bad. And he wants to see me. So they're coming down to visit in a few weeks.
Today I feel like I'm having every Monday I've ever lived in my life smashed into one Tuesday.
Her response was that I never called them. I never call them, they never call me. when we do talk, it's so awkward because no one knows what to say to each other, except for Chelle giving random bits of news about people and stuff that mean nothing to me "The squirrel on Grammy's porch chewed on the Christmas lights!"...stuff like that. So...for the second time in a week, I was in a phone conversation with my mother and before you can say "crybaby" I'm bawling my eyes out again because I don't know how to deal with my family, they don't know how to deal with me, my grandmother and father are talking about people behind their back- specifically, my mom. At one point a few weeks ago, my brother borrowed my grandmother's care in the middle of the night- supposedly to take a friend to the hospital. Never told anyone. My grandmother freaked and called the cops. Then proceeded to stand there and tell them about what a horrible mother my mom was, that she'd never been there for any of us, blah blah blah. As it happens, my mom knows the township police that responded.
My brother Mike is getting his ass kicked on a cosmic scale. Every few weeks he gets a job and something happens that he gets fired. One time he somehow managed to swallow broken glass that was in a thermos, which landed him in the hospital. Because of that he was fired. Another time he was put in jail for being behind in child support. Another time he got a cut on his cornea on the job. Stuff like that.
Mom says Chelle's become far more of a bitch than she ever has been, living over at Grammy's. They just feed off of each other.
She says that if I want to have a relationship with my family members. I have to make the first move if they won't. Blah blah blah. Talk to them as if they were strangers. Ask them about their job, the weather etc.
It's really sad when it's easier to talk to complete strangers than your own family. But what do I do?
So there I am sniffling and sobbing and practically hyperventilating, and what do you know...Mumsie suddenly breaks out the "life lessons" speech. "You're going through this for a reason, you have to learn something from this" blah blah blah." As soon as she stops to draw breath, I come back with "You know, right now I don't really give a fuck about life lessons. I don't want to hear it. You're my mommy. Can't you fix it?"
I think this was the point that she realized that might as well be curled up on the kitchen floor again.
So then there was about a half hour of me knowing how it is blah blah blah...it's always like that, your father is never going to change unless he wants to, he's always been immature and selfish, it's like that with everyone. He learned it from your grandparents..."
(Insert a good deal more of this here.)
Sometimes I don't want to hear about "life lessons". Sometimes I don't want to hear that other people have it worse than me. Sometimes I really don't care about anyone else. Sometimes just for a few minutes, I AM the center of the fricken universe, if only in my own mind. Sometimes that's the only way I can deal with things. Hell, when I was 17 and my best friend was dying of cancer, I was dealing with more than I could comprehend besides that. And my mom would tell me it's okay blah blah blah, and to think of Alex and what she's going through. My response then, in those occasional few minutes...even in reference to my dying best friend was "I don't care." Somehow, I'm not sorry to say this.
Does this make me a bad person?
Then suddenly we break out with "...and like I said it's all for a reason, and if you're planning to serve ass clergy in some capacity, if you can learn to get past this and let it go, you can use it to help people..." And onto a good 15 minute of that. And finally she decided that it was ime for me to go to sleep and hung up.
About 15 minutes later, I called her back. I told her I wanted her to tell me what she meant when she said that I was different from the rest of the family. I told her that I tried to ask, but she didn't answer and started talking about something else. Her answer was "what, you don't know? You can't see it?"
Well duh, yes. I know. I'd be blind not to see it, but I wanted to hear exactly what SHE meant. So she launches into me dealing with things much better than everyone else. I'm more sensitive and emotional, and I don't just lash out in anger about things. I'm artistic and intelligent, and while Mike is fairly intelligent he doesn't use it, but she wishes that Chelle and Anthony had more brains, and none of them know how to relate to me, so they make fun of me and I walk away. They make fun of me and I stay "aloof" I get along better with my stepfather's family than my own family.
Hmm.
At this point, I didn't have the energy left to be a mess. But the other thing I wanted to know, I asked before i hung up...did she telll anyone else about me joining Cedarlight and all that? (I never said not to so...)
She told Mike (my stepfather) Oh yay. Apparently his reaction was "Hmm." and then saying somethign that she didn't remember, but wasn't bad. And he wants to see me. So they're coming down to visit in a few weeks.
Today I feel like I'm having every Monday I've ever lived in my life smashed into one Tuesday.
