badstar

So I was just cleaning some stuff up in the living room, and I grabbed a few things to stick in a box...and I found a little silver jewelery gift box.

I couldn't remember what was in it, so I opened it. I found a bracelet that Chelle gave me years ago that I never wear, a little silver and abalone shell sailboat pendant, a plain gold chain...and a pair of earrings that Alex gave me oh geez, in 11th grade? For Christmas. she made them, I never wore them (didn't like them), felt a little guilty about it but never sweated it too much, it wouldn't have been a big insult to her, Alex never got too bent out of shape about things like that. But I never got rid of them, especially after she died, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Just like I could never get rid of the copy of The Client that she lent me, I tried to read but could never get past the first few pages, it was just so boring, but I never managed to give back to her. I still have it. I still have a copy of her obituary, wrapped around her 11th grade school photo, and a little string bracelet that she made for me.

It's occurred to me a few times in the last several months that I've not thought of her nearly so much as I used to since...well, I don't really want to say since when. I've had a theory for a while now about why, twelve years later, I still have an unreasonably hard time with her death, beyond the fact that she was only eighteen and that she was my best friend and that I didn't see her for the last month before she died, and I didn't get to say goodbye and that the last time I talked to her, the only thing we really talked about was the fact that I was accepted to the University of Alabama- we didn't get to talk long, she was too weak to talk for more than a few minutes, and all I can really think right now is that she never got to know that I got accepted to Southern Methodist University (She died at the end of January, I didn't get accepted til May- I ended up sending in my application a little late.)...gods, it's such a stupid thing to latch onto....and there's also the fact that we were so much alike that it was scary, other than a few minor details, in a lot of ways it almost seemed like we were practically the same person in two different-looking bodies, and when she died, it was like an unreasonably large part of me also died. We went beyond finishing each other's sentences, we could carry a conversation both talking nonstop at the same time and never get lost. Other people would just look at us in disbelief. Both her mom and mine said they had never seen anything like it. Or the fact that it was pretty obvious that we were meant to be best friends within minutes of meeting.

No, there's another reason that I think, other than that and well...I don't feel like discussing it, but it makes sense to me. I wish I could go back and access my brain as it was during my sophomore, junior and senior years of high school, I'd probably have a much better idea of whether I'm just smoking crack on this one or not.

I just wish I knew how to make it not sometimes feel like her funeral is tomorrow instead of twelve years ago. It's so weird. I can't remember the dates exactly, but I remember everything that happened that week. I remember coming home from the funeral and Kathy dropping me off. My parents were at home and Frank had come from Massachusetts to visit (Frank...another person that I miss. Dammit.) and it was pretty late- Kathy and I had gone out wandering around to various places post-funeral, neither of us wanted to be at home. And i remember sitting in the kitchen for a few hours, mindlessly playing computer solitaire while Mom, Mike and Frank sat around the dining room table talking about whatever it is that adults talk about when they get together after they haven't seen each other in a while. After a while, Mike and Frank started insisting that I go to bed. I didn't want to go to bed, I was too tired and exhausted and depressed to sleep, and the possibility of dreaming was worse than anything on my conscious mind. The endless computer solitaire was helping to numb it somewhat. Oh yeah and I was eighteen and didn't have a bed time, dammit. But they kept insisting and I kept saying I wasn't tired and I finally got the "well you;re a kid and we want to discuss things without kids being around." I was pissed. I tried pleading with my mom but she was no help. More than anything, I didn't want to be alone. For some reason, them being in the next room was mildly comforting. But I didn't want to say that I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to talk about it. One of the few times I would allow myself to feel the need to have someone there and I just couldn't say that. The night of my best friend's funeral and I was being told to go away. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I had said something. I didn't try. I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I don't remember anymore if I dreamed or just slept a dead sleep. It doesn't matter.

And right now I feel like I just lost her all over again.


I had a dream I was in school
reading your autograph
pages of green in seventh grade
now like an epitaph
alone in your room
with and artist inside of you
you died way too soon
but I still can feel you
warm in a circle of friends
how have you all been
we'd never die just go through hell
and re group again
so button it down
so the wind won't blow it all away
and pass it around
like champagne on a holiday
pass it around
there's a lot of that to go around

-Shawn Mullins


I wish I could numb myself to this. I wish I could stop having dreams about her. I wish it would just stop.

I found this song by way of someone's LJ icon...saw some of the lyrics and had to go track down the song itself. it's one of my new favorite songs. not only does it have cool lyrics, but the melody structure and the musical style are really interesting....


Desperation Song by Carbon Leaf

Here I'm debating time, I'm waiting
Chime the wake
Free fall the cannonball volcanic
shatters on the lake

You settle down,
Where you runnin to?
What else can you prove?
How many, many more until you lose?
You thought a better plan could
Shake this shadow land
This frozen tundra hand...

Chorus:
I'm turning it from shade to light
Hold it up to candlelight,
Roaring into firelight,
Scorching up the charlatans
Until it's city wide
All the people mobilize,
Nothing left to polarize
And nothing left to fake

Ring around the lake.
Ring around the lake.

Right on time...will you stay
Throught the pouring rain?
Right on time...through the night,
Your laughter is my light
Right on time, desperation song

Dear I have missed your sigh
since crystal skies moved on
Peer out through Shadow's doubt
I had no passion all along

You settle down. where you running to?
What else can you prove?
Is this all a game?
Was this all a ruse?
I've waited by the phone.
Cold as river stone
Anxiety. Alone...

Chorus

Ring around the lake.
Ring around the lake.

Right on time...will you stay
throught the pouring rain?
Right on time...through the night,
Your laughter is my light
Right on time, desperation song
Right on time, desperation song

Chorus

Right on time...will you stay
throught the pouring rain?
Right on time...through the night,
Your laughter is my light
Right on time, desperation song
Right on time, desperation song

Crawling In The Dark by Hoobastank

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

I love this song. It's kinda jangly, a little nonsensical, but damn, listening to it makes me happy. Oh...and Jakob Dylan sngs it. As far as I'm concerned, that's all I need to know.

I need a bed
That nobody’s slept in
I need some air
Nobody’s been breathing
I need a thought
That I can believe in
Is this fog
Or is the building really burning
I need you
Much more than ever
I’m making new friends
But none of them matter
Maybe now
We don’t fit together
But you’ve got your arms around
No one but strangers

I feel fine
With the sun in my eyes
The wind in my hair
When I’m falling out of this sky
I’m doing better than I thought I would
But nothing’s ever as good
As when you’re on top

I want to wake up
And just start running
Into a ditch
Or straight up a mountain
I want to get
Where no one been gettin’
Make it deeper than hell
Or make it higher than heaven

I need someone whose price hasn’t been met
When everybody’s disappearing
By the minute
There isn’t anyone left
I haven’t meet yet
Well I remember
When they hadn’t gotten to you yet


I feel fine
With the sun in my eyes
The wind in my hair
When I’m falling out of this sky
I’m doing better than I thought I would
But nothing’s ever as good
As when you’re on top

Half way up
And over this rainbow
I heard a shot
Fire up from a ghetto
As I drop
I didn’t think you’d follow
Just didn’t know
The sky was this shallow

I need a garden
Where nothing’s forbidden
I need an apple
That no one’s been eatin’
I want to start again
Back at the beginnin’
I had a vision
That this feeling maybe has an ending

I feel fine
With the sun in my eyes
The wind in my hair
When I’m falling out of this sky
I’m doing better than I thought I would
But nothing’s ever as good
As when you’re on top

"...Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes..."

-Chris Cornell, Sunshower

Is it better than ambivalent? Maybe I'm just confused. I dunno. I've been uncharacteristically moody this year, and especially in the last few months. Not always for the same reasons...for example, a few weeks ago, I was cranky for several days for one particular reason (still on my mind, but I've decided not to let it consume my brain.) Tonight, I dunno...it could be any number of reasons. No doubt past things are contributing but they're not the core of it, they're just another straw in the stack....but anyway, I was just listening to this song and it made me cry. Because it makes too much sense in my mind... Yeah. It's Enya. Shuddup already.

I walk the maze of moments
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
And there I find another
It all seems so surprising
And then I find that I know

You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
Is swept around in motion
But without ever knowing
The reason for its flowing
In motion on the ocean
The moon still keeps on moving
The waves still keep on waving
And I still keep on going

You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

I wonder if the stars sign
The life that is to be mine
And would they let their light shine
Enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
But night has clouded over
No spark of constellation
No vela no orion

The shells upon the warm sands
Have taken from their own lands
The echo of their story
But all I hear are low sounds
As pillow words are weaving
And willow waves are leaving
But should I be believing
That I am only dreaming

You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

To leave the thread of all time
And let it make a dark line
In hopes that I can still find
The way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
Its either this or that way
Its one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

Heaven's Time by Fisher

I'll say goodbye before I wake
and all you need to know is I'm done with pain
Forced to deny this hearts true faith
and thankful to God there's a hope for change

Heavens time you face alone
-never knowing what will become
Through all your fears you stay strong
-count yourself at Number One - at Number One

Blink of an eye - the year is new
I healed from the path that I crossed with you

Heavens time you face alone
-never knowing what will become
Through all your fears you stay strong
-count yourself at Number One

Don't you let them bring you down


Just reading the lyrics...they're okay, but not spectacular. But when combined with Cathy Fisher's voice, and the music...oh my god, it's amazing. Sadly, it's not one of the nice big handful of songs offered for free download on her website...though, if you've never heard her, go go go!!!

http://www.fishertheband.com/music.html

Of the songs offered for download, I recommend all, but especially I Will Love You, Any Way and Never Say Never

(If you're wondering what she sounds like, think a combination of Sarah McLachlan, Natalie Merchant and maybe just a bit of Fiona Apple all smashed into one.)

Cannonball by Beth Hollcraft

Ice breaker
News maker
Never tried to be a faker
Underrated
Overstated
Tell me what you're waiting for
Groundshaking
Agitating
Hurry up the walls are breaking
Heart stop, one shot, baby give it all you got

I won't look down
I won't look down until I die

Like a shot fired in the sky,
This is how I learn to fly
And I don't need the answer
Kick it up at the door
This is what I came here for
And I'll just take my chance yeah

Sharp corner
Misinformed
You are getting warmer
Dislocated
Miscreated
This is how I get around
Love biting
Uniting
Don't need to see the writing
Come see, no fee
That's the way you look at me

I won't look down,
I won't look down until I die

Like a shot fired in the sky,
This is how I learn to fly
And I don't need the answer
Kick it up at the door
This is what I came here for
And I'll just take my chance yeah
One shot, gotta fly
Everytime I touch the sky,
And I can't feel the answer
Push it up, break it down,
I'm so high can't touch the ground
And I'll just take my chance yeah

What's hiding in your attic?
What makes you feel ecstatic
Light it up and watch it burn

Survivor
I'm on fire
Truth is, I'm a liar
Obligated to get jaded
Pick a seat and ride

Like a shot fired in the sky,
This is how I learn to fly
And I don't need the answer
Kick it up at the door
This is what I came here for
And I'll just take my chance yeah
One shot, gotta fly
Everytime I touch the sky,
And I can't feel the answer
Push it up, break it down,
I'm so high can't touch the ground
And I'll just take my chance yeah
Take my chance yeah
Take my chance yeah

My brain is fried. There's a little too much going on within it right now, and a lot of it I want to post about, but I need to sort it all out.

I'll leave you with this song (well, the lyrics) that I just heard for the first time this weekend, thanks to Chris who sang it around the fire on Friday night, and then again yesterday afternoon while walking around the campground, and then played the song on CD for me this morning. It's by Warren Zevon and has a really simple, beautiful melody. It first made me think of so many Alpha Phi Omega gatherings, and I am surprised to have never heard it at any.


Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

The sky was on fire
When I walked to the mill
To take up the slack in the line
I thought of my friends
And the troubles they've had
To keep me from thinking of mine

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

The moon has a face
And it smiles on the lake
And causes the ripples in Time
I'm lucky to be here
With people I like
Who maketh my spirit to shine

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight

Okay...I need to sleep and sort out my brain.

Kyrie - Mr. Mister

The wind blows hard against this mountainside
Across the sea into my soul
It reaches into where I cannot hide
Setting my feet upon the road

My heart is old it holds my memories
My body burns a gemlike flame
Somewhere between the soul and soft machine
Is where I find myself again

Kyrie Eleison
Down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison
Through the darkness of the night
Kyrie Eleison
Where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie Eleison
On a highway in the light

When I was young I thought of growing old
Of what my life would mean to me
Would I have followed down my chosen road
Or only wished what I could be

Kyrie Eleison
Down the road that I must travel
Kyrie Eleison
Through the darkness of the night
Kyrie Eleison
Where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie Eleison
On a highway in the light