badstar | Entries tagged with ctp

Well, last Wednesday night, I was at work looking over my old Vocational essay for the CTP, and it hit me very quickly that I was ready for it to be down. In my mind, I'd moved on, it no longer was applicable. I went and wrote up my Initiates program essay. i waited until it was approved and up on the ADF site to post it here, feeling mildly superstitious.

I'm also going to eventually post it over at

asthefiretree for continuity. Perhaps later today, perhaps tomorrow. When I get to it.

( Here it is. )

It is now Thursday.

Meaning that in about 24 hours, I will be home and it will be the weekend again.

I am now registered for the WABA-PLC.

Annnnnd I got a big envelope-o-stuff today from the LASIK plus people. Should probably look at that.

And fuck if I didn't forget to call and cancel my Friday appointment with Katzen. Oh well, will do that later in the morning.

Oh and my mom called me today, apparently AC Moore was having a huge yarn sale last week and she bought me like a dozen and a half balls of yarn that she hasn't sent me yet.

I'm seriously thinking of giving up on Walden. for the moment anyway. Me and Henry just ain't getting nowhere. It's a losing battle. Perhaps if I were to just give it a break and move onto something else. Like In Search Of The Indo-Europeans (hahahahahahahahahahaha...I know.)

I should probably try to remember what I did with my copy of the Mabinogion too.

I feel like a nap.

Dammit, I'm really not in a good mood right now. I feel like I need to sleep. Or cry. Or...I dunno. Scream? Kick something? Pick a fight?

I've no idea where this came from, but today when I woke up (earlier in the day, not in the afternoon after that dream) I laid there on my bed, staring up at the ceiling and I found myself very seriously contemplating dropping the clergy training program.

I don't know why. but for a moment, the thought was so clear in my mind, and I remember thinking how it would be fine, the gods would be okay with it, and how whatever else is to come in the future would fulfill this damned inexplicable need that I had to pursue clergy training.

After about a minute, I shook myself out of it. It wouldn't be okay. Whatever happens, one thing is not a substitute for another and I endured too much headache and stupidity and time shaking my fist in the general direction of California as Raven asked me for more essay rewrites without being specific as to what the problem was.

I didn't start this to give up before I even got into it. What the hell, where did the idea that I should drop it even come from? I AM doing this the right way. Aren't I? Aren't I?

Dammit, I want to be home right now. If I were home, I could go to my room and turn off the lights and put a pillow over my head and go to sleep and hope that this passed in the night.

Dammit, this hurts. Badly. It'll pass. But I'm scared that it won't. What if I am doing this the wrong way? How much time will I have wasted? Am I wasting time?

My stomach feels like it's tied up in knots. I don't want to be here. On top of everything else, this office is sweltering. If I turn down the heat at all, it will freeze. I'm in a bad mood, and I don't feel like having earphones jammed into my ears, but if I take them out, I'm afraid that Tiffany will start yapping again (Brian left at midnight, so there's only me if she starts talking) and then I might actually make good on that desire to pick a fight. Which is a bad idea.

I'm going to find myself a cold caffeinated beverage.

Went to Zodiac tonight for dinner. Yay for super-messy chicken sandwich (for once I didn't order ~~barbequeue~~ ~~barbeque~~- dammit, I can't type the word, I type "queue" too much at work.... - BARBECUE, dammit!!!! duck!) Spent a large chunk of the time with a couple of sappy lovebirds at the next table giving each other dental exams with their tongues and groping and whatnot. (If you've never been to Zodiac, well..."at the next table" means they're practically shoulder-to-shoulder with you.)

So these two were really irksome and I was seriously considering addressing them directly. I mean, for serious people, if you want to get it on, go somewhere that's not arm's distance from my dinner table.

In other news, I finished reading Scar Night last night (http://www.alanmcampbell.co.uk/) I recommend. The first third is kinda slow, but well-written. The rest of it though is quite great. I wait for the sequel this spring.

Now I need to decide what my fiction for the month of February will be...I'll probably try to make another effort to grab one of the books I own but never read.

But before I pick up another piece of fiction, dammit, I am going to finish Walden so I can move onto something else and make some progress on the CTP.

And again unrelated, I found a couple of poems by Keats to Apollo tonight. I will probably post them tomorrow.

Dear H.D. Thoreau,

You are boring. Insufferably so.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Fuego

I started reading Thoreau's Walden tonight on the way to work. Yarg, I read over several paragraphs multiple times and got absolutely nothing from it, I might as well have been reading a blank page.

Here's hoping it gets more interesting.

Charles is hellbent on me teaching a class at Ecumenicon on something or other Hellenic. Preferably, it seems, related to the Homeric hymns (this came up back in October after he saw some of the ones I'd written) and current;y has two time slots reserved for me.

Eep. Two. When I was talking to him before, he was talking about doing this for the 2009 conference. I had later emailed him with a different idea that was more apropos to the conference theme, he liked that idea and asked me to write up a proposal if I wanted to do it....and then a whole bunch of things happened and it fell by the wayside. Then I came into work tonight and found an email from him in my inbox saying that I have two spaces reserved. (Unfortunately, one is up against Jane Sibley's ritual, which I would love to take part in again. It was quite the experience last time.)

So I emailed Charles and told him that what I would want to do is one on a discussion of ancient hymns, and one on creation myth and the protogenoi.

So...it seems the gods want to keep me out of trouble. Arkon Polemakros, CLG Witan, clergy training, now this.

This all reminds me, I haven't been writing hymns lately. I need to start doing that again. I opened a notebook yesterday and found the beginning of one to Athena...I remember having a great idea for one and then losing it. Hopefully, I can recover it. Or come up with something else.

So I'm looking through the Ecumenicon schedule and seeing several classes on material apropos to the CTP- mostly in the realm of divination. That can't hurt. Pass up the opportunity to learn about rune casting with Jane Sibley? Not I. Ethnics of divination....yeah, very useful topics.

Well, I just finally finished my last little bits of revising and editing and sent my three essays to Raven for resubmitting for acceptance to work on the clergy training.

And now, I start the process of waiting again. Hopefully this doesn't take as long as my DP, and I can move on with it.

i discovered a book on amazon the other week while looking for something else- The Oracle, Ancient Delphi And The Science Behind Its Lost Secrets.

It arrived today, I started reading it on my way to work. So far...quite fascinating. I'm only still in the first chapter, but just reading it makes me want to visit Delphi so much more already.

It's been suggested that I run for secretary of the Hellenic kin in ADF. Oh, what am I saying? No one else is running. I'm also planning to run for grove witan. I took a look at the kin secretary...it doesn't *look* like something that would take away from my ability to serve on teh grove witan. It's not like I'm planning to run for senior druid (though, I'm eligible to do so if I wanted to. But I'm not insane, and there are some aspects of that job that I would not be comfortable with taking on...mostly the parts involving managing the property. If it weren't for that, I *might* consider it. But there's also the fact that I've never served on the Witan and would prefer to do so in some other capacity before I ever even thought about running for SD...so none of that for me.

I brought a couple of movies to work with me this evening- White and Blind Chance. But it turns out that I'm just not in the mood to watch Polish movies at the moment. Or anything that's even half serious really. And it's that time of night when my attention span is completely out to lunch. So maybe I'll just have a nap.

Okay...I got an email from raven a few minutes ago.

They want me to expend on my kindred and nature awareness essays. Okay, that's cool. A few hours work, I could have it done and submitted before I leave the office in the morning (If I can manage to get my brain back into some semblance of reasonable order).

but the mediation journal/essay part...I might have set myself back five months, having not presented my experience in any sort of timeline/progressive format. I don't think that I could do that with my meditation experience at this point. I might have to start from here and keep a journal for five months. I emailed back to ask, and await an answer.

Overall, not as bad as I had it in my mind, I am happy to know that I was overimagining things...but still, arg, it did have to be THAT requirement, didn't it?