(no subject)

Is it better than ambivalent? Maybe I'm just confused. I dunno. I've been uncharacteristically moody this year, and especially in the last few months. Not always for the same reasons...for example, a few weeks ago, I was cranky for several days for one particular reason (still on my mind, but I've decided not to let it consume my brain.) Tonight, I dunno...it could be any number of reasons. No doubt past things are contributing but they're not the core of it, they're just another straw in the stack....but anyway, I was just listening to this song and it made me cry. Because it makes too much sense in my mind... Yeah. It's Enya. Shuddup already.

I walk the maze of moments
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
And there I find another
It all seems so surprising
And then I find that I know

You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
Is swept around in motion
But without ever knowing
The reason for its flowing
In motion on the ocean
The moon still keeps on moving
The waves still keep on waving
And I still keep on going

You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

I wonder if the stars sign
The life that is to be mine
And would they let their light shine
Enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
But night has clouded over
No spark of constellation
No vela no orion

The shells upon the warm sands
Have taken from their own lands
The echo of their story
But all I hear are low sounds
As pillow words are weaving
And willow waves are leaving
But should I be believing
That I am only dreaming

You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

To leave the thread of all time
And let it make a dark line
In hopes that I can still find
The way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
Its either this or that way
Its one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

Huh.

I feel a *little* better now in the last few minutes. I think I just did something that I've needed to do for a long time...I've been thinking about it and putting it off forever now.

It's not like my mood's suddenly gone all happy-happy. But I don't fell all foggy-ambivalent.

(no subject)

So a bit before 4 this morning, I was sitting here feeling in a reasonably good mood- pretty significantly better than a few hours before that. Listening to...eh, whatever was playing on iTunes at the time. I started to feel a little weird- I can only describe it as feeling like I had no stomach. It was as if my abdominal area was hollow. And my vision became a little blurry...I figured I was just getting tired and blinked a couple of times- that usually clears it up.

And then I just suddenly, randomly felt like I was going to start crying- violently. I didn't, but I felt like that for several minutes. It was a strictly physical sensation...mentally, I felt normal. While I was feeling like this, I had this image in my mind of grapevines tangled around my wrists. And I swear I could fell them too. Not tightly, but somewhat firmly. And not holding me to anything, just twined around my wrists like bracelets. And as I felt them, I started to feel uneasily calm, a sort of tenuous peacefulness.

When this passed, I settled back in my chair and blinked again...well, closed my eyes. They didn't open for quite a while. But I wasn't falling asleep. For a while, I just sat there. I felt like I was rushing upwards through the air, and I felt like I was somewhere else. But I was still also here. I was consciously aware of the music playing on my computer and which songs were playing, but my awareness of them was there and gone. I remember being aware of them playing, and which songs they were, but I don't remember now which ones. I wasn't really thinking. I was...how do I describe it? There was something going on in my mind- subconsciously maybe? Or like some thought was trying to form and I wasn't actively concentrating on it, I was passively letting it try to happen. Wait, no...it was like someone was trying to talk to me, It was like talking on a phone that's muted, but the mute doesn't quite work so you can tell that something is being said but you can't actually hear what.

And my sense of time got even more wacky than usual. I felt like I was sitting here for hours. But I know that only three songs played in that time, and I happened to look at the clock just before and just after, so I know that it was only a matter of about fifteen minutes.

After that, I was feeling a little blurry-brained (yeah, I just made that up.) so I pushed my chairs together and laid down on them for a bit. The upwards-rushing sensation and the passive-thought-forming continued. And again, time seemed to pass infinitely slowly despite the fact that I was continuously aware of how many songs were playing on my computer. it felt like hours, but I was only laying down for a bit less than half an hour.

And once I sat up again, I felt clearer in my mind than I have all night. I'm thinking about how I was feeling all moody and ambivalent and apathetic earlier tonight and I can only wonder why on earth I felt that way. I don't get it. But I feel exponentially better. So I guess I'm not complaining. Just confused.

The hell?

I can't explain any of it. This weird mood thing is well, weird.