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badstar1. When I ask for your first name, don't respond with "William Foster Smith-Jenkins The Third" Just "Bill" please. Or even "William" Whatever you prefer to be called. If I need your last name (and that might be about 2% of the time) I'll ask
2. Also, please don't spell your name. Especially if it's "Joan Smith" I can figure it out. Again, if I need a spelling, I'll ask.
3. Don't say "1" before your phone number. That's just dumb.
4. If there are a few possible phone numbers under which you may be listed, it's quite permissable to tell me that. However, do NOT shoot them all off at me in one breath. If I can't find you in one or two tries by phone number, I prefer to go by serial number to cut out all the searching.
5. Speaking of serial numbes...DO NOT bitch at me when I ask for your serial number. You have heard no fewer than 27 times before you got to me that we require your serial number. I don't care if the last guy didn't ask for it. If you're having problems finding it, I'll be happy to help you.
6. Yes, that "really simple question" about your ibook, 2 powerbooks, g3, 2 g4's, wireless network, usb printer, 3 strips of aluminum foil, roll of chicken wre and the HP running XP pro IS a technical issue and I cannot just "walk you through this simple setup" if you're not eligible for phone suport.
7. You are not entitled to free support. Tech support costs money. I'm not doing this for the prestige and envy of all my friends you know.
8. Don't tell me that you were a loyal cusotmer of the company since 1970 (We didn't exist then.) Don't tell me that you are close friends with our CEO (If you are, call him and get him to arrange for your free tech support" and don't tell me that you spend $50,000 on our products every year and if I don't help you download your porn, you're going to "Seriously reconsider your vow never to do business with Dell"
9. Your computer comes with a warranty and the option to purchase an extended plan for an additional 2 years. If your computer breaks down 5 years down the line, do NOT start going on and on about how my company doesn't "stand by our products"
10. OS X came out how many years ago now? Stop bitching about your computer that you just purchased last week not booting into OS 9 anymore. And no, we have not "alienated" everyone who was used to OS 9.
11. No, I will not walk you through the task of creating a movie from scratch and burning it to a DVD. You do realize that this takes um...Well, usually several hours at least, don't you? If I'm feeling especially benevolent, I might look up instrucitons and email them to you.
12. It's not my fault that Yahoo makes you pay if you want to use POP access on your email account.
13. It's not my fault that Macrosuck stopped developing internet Explorer at version 5.2.3 and your bank's website requires 5.5 or better.
14. Speaking of IE...it's "Internet ExplorER" not "Intehnet Explorah"
15. LCD's don't just crack for the sheer joy of it, so um...either pay for it, or buy a new computer.
16. Don't tell me that your computer "froze" just because you can't use one aplication. "Freeze" indicates a video freeze. Feel free to say that "XYZ application has become unresponsive, hangs, stops responding, gien you a specific error message..."
17. WRITE DOWN THE DAMNED ERROR MESSAGE. Especally if it happens randomly. Not quite as big a deal if you can reliably reproduce the issue.
18. Don't tell me that the computer "doesn't turn on" when it turns on but doesn't boot up. Don't get all huffy and say "well it turns on, but I get this blue screen" in a voice that ne would use to speak to an exceptionally stupid child when I respond with "Ok, so you seem to have a dead unit?"
19. Similarly, don't tell me that an application doesn't open if it opens but doesn't do what you want/expect it to do.
20. If I determine that your issue is with a 3rd party application or piece of hardware, do not get pissy and bitch about how "no one takes responsibility for their products" Do not whine about how you'd have to pay for tech support from that other company. Do not whine about how they won't give you tech support because you're not using a PC. I just proved 12 ways from Sunday that you can connect to the internet without the AOL connection. If you can't use them, it's on their end. You have to pay for tech support with me too, remember? And If that company can't tell you how to fix THEIR PRODUCT no matter what OS you're running, don'tcha think maybe you should be buying from someone else?
21. If I have to voice transfer you elsewhere, I'm hearing the same music as you are buddy. And trust me, hearing "The Hands That Built America" 13 times a day is NOT fun.
22. Don't ask me if I'm in India. I'm obviously not.
23. There's a rather significant difference between "Shut down" and "reboot" please learn it.
24. Yes I'm sure. No, my supervisor doesn't take calls. Yeah, I can let you talk to someone else about that, but I can tell you that they're gonna say "No" at least as many ways as I just did.
25. Boobs do not hinder my technical abilities. If you want to talk to a guy, hang up, call back and take your chances. If you ask to speak to a "supervisor" or "senior tech" I will pray with all of my being that Brittney picks up the line.
26. "While I have you on the phone..." Is not an acceptable thing to hear after I've already resolved 6 issues.
27. If you have to pay for support and I am unable to resolve your issue, yesyou still get billed. It's for the time not for the answer. I will do everything in my ability to fix the problem, but if it turns out that yourprinter is at fault, you still have to pay. If I do "stuff that you just would have done anyway" you still get billed. If you would have done that anyway, why didn'tyou?
28. It's not my fault that you didn't back up your data. "I only had the computer for a year, why would I need to back up?" Is a really stupid question. On the other hand, if you were in the middle of backing up when this failure ocurred that resulted in the need to reformat, I do feel your pain.
29. Please, just be specific in describing your issue. "Nothing works" doesnt tell me anything. "Safari quits on launch, iTunes gives me an error message when I try to play purchased music, stickies doesn't launch and I get a port 25 error when I try to send mail" gives me a much clearer picture of what's going on. And saves me from asking you a lot of questions where getting the answers is like pulling teeth.
30. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL ME THAT YOUR COMPUTER CRASHED. What the fuck does that mean anyway? See above demands about being specific and describing the issue.
Following these guidelines will make my job much easier as wel as get you off the phone and on with your life sooner.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 04:54 am (UTC)BTW blueberry tea is most yummy.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 03:14 pm (UTC)You're assuming the customer is smart, when I think you and I clearly know they are NOT.
Your demands would make your job a lot easier though.
But, trust me. I feel your pain. Venting is quite necessary...
My one demand?
"Well, you're calling me for support. You've thrown in the towel, or just got lazy. Now shut up and let me do the thinking. As long as you cooperate, I will try my best to resolve the issue. I promise."
no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 04:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 01:00 am (UTC)When I ask you, "So what happens when you do that?", "Nothing" is not an acceptable answer.
Uh. Yeah. Assuming actual intelligence. Hey, have you heard the tech support song? (If not, I have to send it to you)
My favorite customer thingies to hate:
You want me to double click? On the --- icon? Twice? Right now?
I can't get my thing off my thing. (No comments, please)
Y'awnt me da double mash that?
What? (As I'm about halfway through resolving the guy's problem) You're blind? Like, you can't see? (No, I don't remember how this came up.) Well, uh, how can you see your computer then? (The answer, of course, is that I can't. Laughed my ass off when I fixed his problem though.)
I'm a consultant. I get paid $100/hour. (Clearly, I was in the wrong line of work...you mean, I can be a brain-dead idiot, call myself a consultant, and get $100/hour to stick my head up my ass? Such a deal!)
I object!!!
Date: 2005-02-10 09:48 pm (UTC)With all the geeks in APO that are friends with you, I think you got this job specifically for the prestige and envy. ;-)
Re: I object!!!
Date: 2005-02-11 04:51 am (UTC)Re: I object!!!
Date: 2005-02-11 10:24 pm (UTC)and, honestly, how much prestige an envy can there be for someone who spends their time responding Macintosh questions?? :P
:tanner of The Evil :) [but The Evil runs Linux now...]
Re: I object!!!
Date: 2005-02-12 03:12 am (UTC)Hey now...them's fightin' words