That Was...A Phone Call.

[badstar]

Well...I just got off the phone with Mumsie. That was a long hour and a half. I broke the news, which was met with several minutes of silence and then "Well. That's certainly nothing I expected." And it kinda became a mess from there.

See...my mother...when she doesn't know what to say or how to sound...she is realy good at sounding exasperated. She doesn't realize it. She doesn't mean bad by it. Mostly, I can just keep talking through, over, around it...whatever. Because I knowwhat it means, and I know that she's not being mean or judgemental or whatever...

Tonight that wasn't enough. I've made it pretty clear that this has been a huge thing on my mind...it's had a lot of emotional implications. Over the last few weeks, there have been so many times that I just wanted to bawl my eyes out over this, but I haven't. So here comes Mumsie with all her concerns and stuff she doesn't know and understand and all...maybe it's been too long since we've discussed what I believe...I don't know. But she's worried that I...how did she put it...worship the earth too much and not a higher power? At which I came out with the slow, deliberate, almost harsh and forceful "I. Don't. Worship. The. Earth." Ya know...the tone of voice that means trouble. And then a few minutes later she asks me...why does what I believe work for me? Or how doe it work? Something like that. In the mess going on inside my brain at the time with this, and getting upset with my mom because I'm forgetting that her tone of voice doesn't mean what it sounds like it means, so I've got this misdirected perception that she's upset with me (Yes, i'm sure she wasn't....she sounds VERY different when she's upset with someone) and pent up emotion of several weeks now...I just kinda lost it and started crying fairly uncontrolably for a good 15 minutes.

dcnblus, you know how my mom can be with her "be careful" lectures...I do believe you were once the recipient of such a lecture, also on the topic of religion? Very easy to kinda shrug off when everything is well and good and you're in your right mind, and you have no real, deep doubts or whatever. If we had had this conversation yesterday like I tried to I think it would have gone very differently. But my mom, like anyone else has a degree of fear of that which she does not understand. Very human. So then her oldest and at this point, most stable kid cals her up out of the blue "Hey Mom! Guess what! I've joined this religion that you know nothing about. Oh and bonus! I've stated my intentions to study to serve as clergy!" I can understand the concern. And much as she's gotten away from it over the past 20-some odd years, my mom is still a bred-in-the-bone-for-countless-generations-on-all-sides Catholic. She kept going on about huge commitments and making sure I understand what I'm doing and getting into...I had to remind her several times, this isn't even something that I would begin on for at least a year. And it's not something I'm doing on a lark (I know I'm really good at that. I live on a wing and a prayer. Which scares the hell out of a lot of people. This I believe is precisely the second time I've given such long thught to something. The other thing was my tattoo :-P

So I'm a mess, and at the same time trying to explain what ADF is, what it's about, blah blah blah...and not realy knowing where to start or what exactly she wants to know...and she says she doesn't know what to ask. So...we ended up with me giving her the web address for the grove, and for ADF and she's going to read over those for a more clear, objective picture of things and get a better idea of what she wants to know on my end.

This is a good thing.

That aside, she seems to be convinced that eiher I have serious doubts or fears about this, or something ese entirely is extremely wrong. Because this is something to be happy about. (But didn't she just tell me that she didn't know if she thought it was a good thing or not because she didn't understand? Uhg...Moms...)

I'm somewhat shocked that she didn't ask if I prayed to the angels for guidance. (Mumsie is....well, she's very big on angels. Whenever something is wrong or I don't know what to do, she always tells me to ask the angels for help, protection, guidance...you get the idea.


So I'm just going to throw out my favrite term for my current emotional state...Shredded. That's how I feel. Not at the fault of my mother and her meaning and intentions, but the conversation and how she reacted and how I reacted to her reaction, and the result of everything I've kept pent up in my brain, some of it literally for years. After having spoken to several people about this, I can now say it without hesitating or stuttering. It feels good to do this. The first time I soke of my need to do this out loud, I was talking to Steph, and it took me so long to get a simple sentence out that I think she thought I din't want to talk about it. At that moment, I *needed* to say it out loud. Wow, that was only a week ago? Having something on my mind and not speaking about it literally for years goes so far against my nature, but I got so used to its unspoken presence that when I finally did get it out, it felt so weird.

If you've read this far, I'm sorry (but I appreciate it) :-P If any of this made sense to you, I'm worried. And can I hire you as a translator? I need someone to translate "Incoherent Renee" into the vernacular.

Comments

[fervid-dryfire.livejournal.com]

Obviously I am not a parent and have nary a single thread of direct or indirect connection to your situation, however I can point to one prevailing, relevant truth that might help:

"It doesn't matter what you're doing so much as why you're doing it."

If it's important to you, then that's really all the rationale/justification you need. From a parent's perspective I think as such that it should be more a matter of supporting you rather than supporting your ideas, because none of what you do is going to change the fact that you are your mother's daughter. If you two love each other, then nothing should make a difference in that.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

i think it'll all be ok, once she understands it a little better. i don't think it's a mattter of herr not supporting me...no, i know it's not. i became an irrational mess last night and it all went downhill from there.

ok, i have to work in 3 minutes, i have to stop. bleh.