So...Which Of You Would Have Ever Actually Seen This Coming From Me?

SOOOOOO....yeah, I'm alive. To those of you who asked, thanks for your concern, no big deal, it was mostly me just not wanting to play on this computer because it's slow and erroneous and stuff.

So, I'm all moved into the house....what stuff I have here in MD anyway. I will paint. Soon. Woke up this morning to lts of loud noisem open my door to find that James had barricaded me into my room with his desk. Gotta apreciate the creativity. (Actually, he was just rippig up his carpet to replace it and there's nowhere else to go with it...and I wasn't totally traped, it was just a bit of a squeeze getting by.) It was discovered today that there are REALLY NICE HARD WOOD FLOORS under the carpet. James opted to not put more carpet down after al, and I got the OK from Fred to take mine up. That'll look a lot better with the red and orange paint than the greyish-blue carpet in the room. Went out to TT Diner with Steve and Dale tonight, came home had random IM conversation with James..how bad is it to talk to your roommate on instant messenger? It's pretty bad, but I blame him, he added his name to my buddy list. Bwahahah.

Tuesday went to Beer at Brewers. Met odalisques in person. Another ex-Lancasterian who hit escape velocity and got the hell out, and she's moving right down the street from me...yay for friends close by! Wednesday went to Suz/Rob/Kathleen's for cookout/spinning.

And that's what I did on my summer vacation.

Besides that, the last few days have been one big emotional brainfucking mess. I said "fuck". That means something is really wrong. Stared early tuesday morning right before I fell asleep...I had this sudden, out of the blue really overwhelming wanting to see he who knows who he is. Extremely random. Then shortly after that, I felt like there was someone sitting behind me with their hands on my forehead. I was alone in the room. Yes, completely alone. Yes I'm sure. Woke up hours later, pondered the whole thing a bit, mulled over it's curiousity. Discussed incident with moonwatcher. Had discussion almot identical to one with Tanner a few weeks ago when I had the death/ghost dream. Realized that I didn't so much want to see this person as I wanted to feel again like I felt with him. Totally safe, like nothing would ever hurt me. Started getting afriad that I'm lookingfor emotional stability or protection or something from external sources. Freaked out. Bawled my eyes out. Calmed down a little, went to beer (didn't drink) had fun with friends, came home, slept, woke up thought I had thigns straighened out.

HAH. No dice. Wrong and a half. You lose.

Wednesday night...cookout...fire...fun stuff. I needed that like I need to breathe. Got some kind of upper-body workout spinning zuni poi and unlit staff. Wahoo. Even figured out a new move or two on the zuni. Geee, aren't I special? Went to light up the staff. One wick wouldn't light, the other lit too much. let someone else have it a bit, tried again, both wicks a tad too lit...spun out til theywent down then started playing a little...and was so incredibly awkward I couldn't get over it. Realized that I felt completely disconnected. I was holding a lit staff in my hands and it felt completely foreign. I was amost afraid of the damned thing. At that realization, I became unwired (inwardly) and was suddenly afraid that I would burn myself. I have never in my life for any reason that I can recall been remotely afraid of fire. I did manage to relax a little and focus more on the music playing and spin it out.

A lot of people will read this and wonder what the big deal is. Sorry, I can't really explain....I can try if you want to know and ask nice Some people understand, some don't. It's part literal, part symbolic.

I was really glad that Phil rode back homewith us, so I could lay on the back seat and not have to talk to Fred. I wasn't in the mood for his chatter at all. When I got home, I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't (and wasn't going to force it) I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I felt like my solar plexus was ripped out. I put my hand undr my ribs, and I felt a literal physical emptiness there. Talked to Tanner for better than an hour, about halfway through I felt a little better and he distracted me with bizarre conversation and reading tshirt captions from the internet.

So what was this whole mess about? My brain. Dragging up old stuff. Now that I'm not in Lancaster anymore, I don't have the family stress, it goes "OOOH! Time to process all this past crap! And throw in some new stuff for added flavor!" Emotional crisis salad. Yum. So here I am all paranoid and scared that I'm looking for external sources ofemotional safety and security. Because it's just not an ok thing for me to do. I can't depend on other people like that. I shouldn't have to depend on others at all. Emotionally or otherwise. I should be able to take care of myself.

Yah, I know. Flawed thinking, everyone needs to depends on others SOMETIMES. And it's ok. Really it is. putting this in practice is not so easy. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. I flunked classes in school because I didn't ask for help, beause I thought I had to figure it out on my own.

Dammit, what the hell am I supposed to do. I woud have moved myself down here without help if there was any way physically possibe. I would have just mailed my stuff if I'd had the money and taken a bus or train to get my body down. I'm a big girl. I can tie my own shoes. I don't need anyone to help me dammit. It's ok for oher people to depend on me, or to depend on others. It's not ok for me to depend on them. I can defend myself and microwave my soup. I can work out my own problems. I don't need anyone else. I'm beyond all that. I don't need anyone to worry about me, to worry that I'm happy, and that I'm not sick or scared. I'm not afraid of anyhting. As long as I keep telling mysef that, I'll be alright. I can go out with my friends and have fun with them, and I can be there for them when they need me, or when they just want me around, but if I need them, I'VE LET MYSELF DOWN IN THE WORST WAY.

I often apologize to peole when I ask for help. They don't realize that I'm also apologizing to myself (usually more really than i'm apolgizing to them) When I ask "Are you sure?" It's a lot more "Am I sure I want to let you help me?"

Thanks Dale, for reminding me over and over tonight that it's ok to lean on your friends when you need it. Someday I'll learn. I'm trying. I've gotten better at it over the last few years, but I still have my moments.

Fuck this mess, I'm going to sleep.

Mom always says I'm too independent for my own good.