What do you do?

Early Saturday morning. I was laying face-down on my pillows when I heard my bedroom door open and knew there was an intruder in my room. Someone was standing over me, pointing a gun at the back of my head. I didn't move, but he knew I was awake and told me not to scream, not to reach for my phone (it stays on the mattress beside my pillow), not to move, or he would kill me. All I could think of was how to move my hands just the few inches to my phone, how to flip it open without him seeing it and dial 911, how I could possibly jump up and get out of there and not get hurt or killed. I was terrified.

I also didn't know if I was asleep or awake. And if someone was actually in my room or not. Well, no. I lie. I did know that I was at least somewhat asleep, but it was like my body was asleep and my mind was mostly conscious. A little part of my brain was reasonably sure that it was a nightmare. But the rest of it didn't know for sure and was too scared to take the risk of opening up my eyes and turning around to find out if there really was or not, just in case there was.

I'm not sure what changed, but after several minutes, I finally somehow knew that there was no one in the room and that it would be safe for me to open my eyes and turn around, even though I still heard him yelling at me. Everything was normal, my door was closed tightly.

My nightmares usually involve me getting attacked by *something* and I'm trying to wake up but I can't. I've actually had one instance where I gained enough consciousness to push myself off the mattress and stand up on it, although I felt like something was still pulling my eyes closed and pulling me back down onto the bed to go back to sleep and be attacked by some monster/demon/whatever. Really scary.

But I can always be sure that once I get myself awake, whatever it is will be gone. On Saturday morning I couldn't. It absolutely terrified me.

After I woke up, I went back to sleep and forgot it, until later Saturday night. I went up to my room to grab a book and I suddenly remembered it. I snatched the book, turned off the lights and left my room. I wanted to run back downstairs, and I felt like crying. I didn't run, though I think I came back down the stairs in a bit more of a hurry than normal. I didn't cry. I told Gavin about it, and the normal context of my nightmares, and the fact that before we moved into this house, I hadn't had one since I was living up at Dave and Eva's, and suddenly I've had three in not even a month (The other two have been of the monster/demon attack variety, and when I've had nightmares in the past, they usually come at least a few months apart)

I must have sounded crazy, but nightmares are NOT something that I take well at all.

Rounding Out The Weekend...

I made a stop at the Baltimore Black Gay Pride after dropping off rent at the post office on saturday afternoon, since the Interfaith Fairness Coalition had a table there. The event seemed to be mostly over- there weren't many folks, and no one who wasn't working there came into the room where the table was set up. The subject of writing came up, and I ended up showing Charles some of the hymns I've been writing. Apparently he was pretty impressed. He said he wants to try to figure out something for the 2009 Ecumenicon conference that would allow me to read some of them as part of a workshop or something.

I'm seriously thinking that I want to go to Ecumenicon this year coming u- there's going to be an intensive series on Norse and Saami religion- the Norse is a recurring thing, Jane Sibley teaches it. But this time it's going to be partially sessions on Norse, and partially on the Saami...that part is going to be taught by someone who I've met, but whose name I can't think off for the life of me- she's from Lapland and is working on her master's degree in anthropology, focusing no Saami religion.

The fifth season of 24 has been playing sometime in the middle of the night on Saturday and chironcentaur decided that I need to see it, so she tapes it since I'm in bed by the time it comes on (Someone needs to go to sleep, otherwise we might never get to the grove on Sundays....lol) I've seen the first two episodes, so far I'm impressed. (I've seen most of the first and sixth seasons, none of the rest til now.)

And...for the first time since I first tripped over Cedarlight Grove, I will not be participating in a high day ritual. (Okay, technically, the second time. But Winter Solstice 2004 was only a few weeks after I first found the grove, didn't know about the ritual until it was too late to ask off work.) So I've gone 21 rituals where I've been present and participated. I won't be participating this time. I will not be spectating. I might not be at the grove at all, but I haven't decided yet. (If I don't go at all, I might very well wander on up to Albany for the sectional conference at ADH.)

All I really know right now is that this ritual is not one for me to be part of. That was indicated to me very clearly while meditating earlier yesterday. And I'm pretty sure I will not be present for Imbolc, after last year. I'm really not sure about Yule yet. We shall see, but I might very well have a three-ritual hiatus. I think I'm starting to get a vague sense of an underlying current and I understand why it's happening, and I'm pretty sure it's only temporary, but I'm kinda bummed out to not be part of ritual. I could probably be in the sanctuary and observe, but I can't. I cannot be a spectator in religious practice.

There will, however, be a Puanepsia ritual at the grove next weekend. It will be very small...just grove folks and I'm expecting one, maybe two besides me. I'll be shocked if there are three or more others (but will never complain!!).

This is the part where I kinda hide my eyes- I'm really really nervous about the idea of doing such a tiny ritual. I think I've said this before. I've had plenty of experience with largeish group rituals...20-30, even 60 or more and I am fine- public speaking, not an issue. Group ritual, not an issue.

Give me a tiny group and oh my various gods, where's the door???? I'm rarely self-conscious. This would be one of those rare times.

In other news, we are getting a new fridge and more things repaired in the house this week. Yay!!!!

In Yet Other News Altogether...

Gary, the cranky coworker is moving to dayshift as of tomorrow. Got in an accident on the way home from work on Thursday.

Last night, found out why...He was drunk. License suspended and all that fun stuff. Anoher coworker will be taking his place.