(filtered)You.

I come to you broken.
I come to you damaged,
cut and scarred by your own doing.
What will you?
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you call me?
Why do you hold me, claws digging deep
into my flesh?
You are the enigma.
You are the dream.
You are the nightmare.
You make me scream
in pain
and tremble with fear.
But you pull me to you
and hold me with an iron velvet grip
which I have no desire to escape.
You've given me freedom
(or the illusion of it).
All I want is to know
what lies in front of me.
But you tell me nothing.
And I only wait.
And follow.
You try my trust.
You lead me blind.
Your gentle touch burns.
Your cruel cut heals.
I bleed by your hand
and rest on your stained altar.
I, a crumpled heap, can barely crawl.
You gave me wings.

Thanksgiving

I've never been one for making the "List of things I'm grateful for" post in observance of Thanksgiving. I try to express appropriate gratitude for things that I am grateful for. When it's a person that I'm thankful for, I try to remember show them that I'm thankful.

But, ah well, what they hell? (hey that rhymed) There is much to be thankful for. Probably more this year than most years. And a little LJ posting never hurt anyone.

So...here we are:

1. Apollo. Despite all the crazy. Despite all the scary. Despite all the "WTF??????" I wouldn't change anything here. His presence in my life has been...utterly unbelievable. I just can't say enough, but right words to talk about this just don't exist either. Not in any language that I speak. Or if they do, I can't find them.

2. Gavin. My beautiful, wonderful, sweet girlfriend (hey, stop looking at me like that. Yes, I'm talking about THAT Gavin.) that I come home to in the morning, the one who's there when I wake up in the afternoon. I never wanted to fall in love like I have, I never wanted to need someone. I never thought that someone actually existed that I could feel the way I do. The gods proved me wrong and I am thankful for her every day. Annnnnnd she's probably going to kill me for saying all that :-P

3. The other gods who have presence in my life. Over the last year, this has mostly been Dionysus and Hermes, aside from Apollo. Dionysus in more mysterious still-trying-to-work-it-out ways, and Hermes in some very definite, easily-identifiable ways. Many of the more tangible things that have happened in the last year or so have been connected to Hermes- and yes, I know, I still owe you. And to any others who have had an impact, I am thankful as well.

4. My job. Unlike a lot of other folks right now, I've got a decent measure of job security. I am one of only three people who are fully trained and experienced in the job that I do. The other night, I was late for work because of light rail issues, I'm told that Ahmed practically had a coronary because he thought I had decided to quit. I also just completed a several-thousand-dollar certification course. At this point, if I did try to quit, they would probably chain me to the desk. It really wasn't all that long ago, only a little more than five years, that I didn't have the money in my pocket to walk into a convenience store and buy myself a cup of coffee. Now, I have a nice apartment with my girlfriend, I don't need to have extra people to help with the rent. We live in a great area with a decent landlord who is trying to fix the problems that we're having. I can walk home on Thursday nights from work, I don't have to take a cab because I'm afraid that I'll get mugged in that short couple of blocks that I have to walk. I have the things I need and some of the things that I want, and the things that I want but don't have aren't that big a deal.

5. My apartment (see #4)

6. Ferarri, my cat. Even if she is the whiniest, neediest cat on the planet. I love her. She's my kitty.

7. My friends. There are a few who have been a longstanding presence in my life, that there have been times that they've been all that's kept me sane- especially the couple of you who were around in the few years before I moved to Maryland, when things were really bad with my family back in PA- dcnblus, tecie, thedalikiss, I'm talking to you. and there are many others who are much more recent in the last few years. I'm thankful for all of you.

8. As crazy as it feels to say this, I'm thankful for the last year of my life in general. It's been insane. I just can't help but think back to early 2008, and am still boggled by the fact that in February I was already able to heave a sigh and say without exaggeration "It's been one of those years" so much has happened. It hasn't been easy at all. In February and March, I was so unhappy. Everything was wrong. Nothing was right. I just wanted to escape, I felt trapped. Things that were so important to me were slipping away from me. Other things were starting to fall on me. I didn't know what to do. Then one day in late March, I was walking down the street on my way home from work. It was warm and sunny, and something grabbed my mood and pulled it up- I expected it to quickly drop again, but it never did- nowhere near the level where it had been anyway. There have been bumps, snags and all kinds of crazy, but things are very different now and I think that I am currently at the happiest that I've been at any point in my life for so many reasons.

Hmmm....I think that those are the big points.

As far as plans go, Gavin and I are just going to have a nice quiet weekend at home. I was in Colorado all last week, and we're going to be traveling at Christmas- she's going to Massachusetts, I'm going to PA for a few days and then joining her in Massachusetts, it's gonna be a little crazy. So I'm going home at 8am tomorrow, and sometime in the early afternoon we're going to pick up a store-made dinner from Safeway and we're going to pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist. It should be nice and relaxing.