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Writer's Block: Deal or No Deal
Mar. 8th, 2009 08:41 am[Error: unknown template qotd]
I have precisely one long-term relationship to speak of in this lifetime, so most of these have never been tested even a bit...but really, I don't think I would want to test them anyway, I know what's important to me and I know what I couldn't put up with. So...in no particular order...
Jealousy- I refuse to deal with someone getting all bent out of shape if I smile at the guy who takes my coffee order or if someone on the street so much as glances in my direction. If you can't deal with me interacting with other people, you need to become a hermit and find yourself another hermit to date.
Overly Possessive- similar to jealously. There is a certain "possessive" element in my relationship with Gavin, but it's largely light-hearted (especially in its expression) and it stays well away from any sort of "I own you" territory, there is no aspect of control. Additionally, it's entirely mutual, I think this is the most important thing, this is what really makes the existing level okay.
Controlling- this falls right in with jealousy and possessiveness. My being in a relationship with someone does not entitle them to control me. I do not give up my autonomy.
Needing to constantly be entertained- Gavin and I can sit in the same room, I'll be reading, she'll be playing video games, and that's fine. If you need me to be constantly entertaining you, there's something wrong. I'm not your entertainment director. Go get a hobby.
Being too much of a morning person- I work weird hours that have me sleeping during the day half the week or more. I am a night person. People who are ridiculously happy and cheerful and chipper at 6am make my brain bleed.
Doesn't respect my privacy- Admittedly, I don't really keep much in the way of secrets to begin with, and there's not really much that Gavin doesn't know about me (except for where I've hidden the secret glitter stash. One day she's going to take the wrong step and...blammo! Pink glitter-encrusted Gavin! Bwahahahahahahahaa) but she knows stuff because I choose to tell it to her, not because she's somehow become entitled to every single solitary detail.
Overly dependent/expects me to be very dependent on them- I have, in this relationship, finally become okay (mostly, there are sometimes when my brain still kinda boggles at the thought, but it doesn't cause me to try and run away or anything) with a certain level of dependency. But there is a point of too much...and I can't really offer a clear "line" as an illustration...but suffice it to say that it would be anything too much beyond what currently exists.
Workaholic- There is one thing that I can accept being put before the other person in a relationship. Work ain't it. (Okay, two if you have kids, but I don't and will not have kids so it's a moot point. and if you do have kids, those kids better be first) One of the major reasons that I like my job so much is that, with a very few occasional exceptions (like giving my phone number to new coworkers and telling them that they can call me in the middle of the night if something goes wrong and they can't get ahold of Rich) when I leave work, my job stays there. It does not come home with me. and (with very few exceptions) I work a 40-hour week, that's it.
Wants/has kids- I am not a parent. I don't want to be a parent. I am not cut out to be a parent. I would be a bad parent. Therefore, I do not have kids, and plan to keep it that way. (If I get pregnant, Gavin has some explaining to do.)
The idea of a small, helpless thing depending on me for everything for a fifth or more of my life, and then still constantly being there after that is...no. Just, no. I can't deal with that. I don't want that sort of responsibility, and would never handle it well. I like my life the way it is. I like that I can do what I want when I want. Having kids requires that you put them and everything having to do with them ahead of anything that you want or need and I am not willing to do that.
I also don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to deal with all the various medical issues and risks that come with pregnancy. I don't want to go through the process of giving birth. I don't want to deal with all the needles.
I don't want to bring a child into this world. Even if I wanted kids, I wouldn't have my own. I would adopt. There are far too many kids who have no families, who never get adopted. I couldn't in good conscience, have another baby.
There was a time where I was sorta "Well, maybe I would adopt...someday...when I'm older...maybe", but I came to the conclusion that I would be a bad parent and I should not have kids. Some people just shouldn't. Additionally, I would be terrified that somewhere along the line, any kid that I have would be subjected to some sort of repeat of my childhood, that someone else would do to them what my father and grandparents did to me. I can't have that.
So...no kids.
Wants to change me- I am who I am, and while there have been far fewer attempts by people I've known to change me in my life than some people may experience, but what there's been has been more than enough. If you can't accept me as I am, then you don't need to be with me.
Religion- I think this is the most important thing anymore, for me. This is the one thing that I can accept being placed ahead of the other person in a relationship (and I will add that if it is to be that way, it should probably mutual, or at the very least, if it's not then it should be made known to the other party that one feels this way so they can decide if they're okay with being in such a relationship or not.) and that is actually the case here- one of the very first things that we agreed on back at the beginning was that religion came first for both of us (fortunately though, there really hasn't been a need for either of us to invoke this term.)
All other personal issues aside, I think that the question of religion was what had me avoiding any attempts at relationships for a very long time- either I didn't really know how I felt, or once I figured out how I felt, I didn't know where or when I was going to find anyone who actually met what I needed.
For a long time, I thought I would be okay, if I met the right person, if they were of a different religion, as long as they were accepting and understanding. Eventually, that became that they should probably be non-Abrahamic. I once went on a few dates with a guy who was Buddhist, and any discussion of religion was him going on about how their is no god and in the end, we are all one and we need to let go of all things earthly and...well, a lot of other things that I knew that I just couldn't keep hearing over and over again on a long-term basis. Eventually, I decided that polytheistic was probably a good "must" to add to the list...and thigns got a little more complicated when you added clergy training and my relationship to Apollo getting more, er, interesting...so they had to be able to have some understanding of that, and that I would probably be needing to actually be able to talk about it to some extent....so that they also be much more involved in their religion than just the occasional attendee of a high day or something like that.
This drastically reduced my potential dating pool. Thankfully, by the time I realized all this, there was actually someone right there who met all that and it was only a matter of months before my roommate became my girlfriend. And the rest is history.
Treating me like a child- I'm not, so don't.
If I were dating a guy- if the fact that I'm bi and the idea that he might get the chance to see me make out with another woman, or have a threesome or whatever were a major motivation to date me. But hey...not dating a guy. (I'm sure there are some women out there who would date another bi women and get all excited about seeing her with a guy, but I never ran into that, so it was never really an issue in my mind.)
Not monogamous- I'm monogamous. I have no interest in being part of a polyamorous relationship. It's just not my thing. I have no problems with people who are, though I do take great issue with those who seem to think that poly people are somehow better or more evolved, or who try to push others into being poly or seem to think that monogamous people on;y exist to oppress polyamorous people. It's just not my thing, end of story.
Lack of intelligence- I have to be able to talk to you, and you have to be able to respond intelligently. Sorry, but pretty looks aren't going to sustain a relationship.
Lack of physical attraction- this isn't to say that they have to look a certain way or anything like that. I simply have to be physically attracted to them.
Doesn't like to read- I don't care what it is, really that you do read, and you dont have to be the world's greatest bookworm but if you don't like to read...I don't get it. Similarly, people who don't like to read often don't get people who do- I put up with far too much harassment from siblings and stepsiblings and a step-mother (at a few points, probably bordering on the point of abuse) because I read a lot. I won't deal with that in a relationship.
racism, sexism, classism- eh, nuff said, I think
age- I think about ten years older than me was enough of an upper limit for someone older. As for someone younger, I never really thought about it for a long time because I was never really attracted to someone more than two or three years younger than me. Then a couple of years ago, I had a pretty serious crush on a coworker who I thought was about the same age as me...until I fount out that he was only twenty-one at the time. And I realized...wait, he's younger than my youngest brother...NO!!!! So, it became no one younger than my youngest brother, (Whose age I can't remember half the time...lol I know when he was born, so it's not hard to figure out) at the outside.
Smoking, drug use, anything more than occasional drinking, or a complete non-drinker who wants to impose it on others or lord it over anyone who doesn't agree.
Super-crazy-greener-than-thou types- Yeah, the environment is important. Yeah, I care. But it's not my life's work to save the spotted owl, and don't bitch at me for not composting every single thing I can.
People who can't walk a little (not talking about physical disabilities here)- I live in the city, I don't own a car. I hate public transportation. For the most part, if I can, I walk there. If the weather is reasonable (note: I don't usually consider 45 degrees and raining to be unreasonable) and you're in decent health, if you're gonna freak out at the idea of walking to the harbor, that's a problem for me.
Moral policing- I'm an adult, thanks. Unless I'm doing something that's harming someone else or something serious like that, leave me alone. I watch r-rated movies (and some of the foreign movies I've gotten on netflix are unrated...hehehehe). I like sex. I drink coffee. I worship pagan gods. I've been known to sleep past noon! Bwahahahahahahahaha. And stuff.
Overly stereotypically girly-girl/damsel-in-distress types- If you're going to jump on a chair and shriek at the site of a small creature, if you can't leave the house without spending an hour on your makeup, if the ideas of camping in a muddy field sends you screaming (and I don't mean just "it's not my thing", I can deal with that, you don't have to go do it, but if you're going to have a cow at the mere mention of something like that- yeah, someone once did that to me. she decided that I was undatable because I would do such a thing, I decided that she was undatable because she freaked out when she found out that I've done such a thing. Hey, no one's forcing you to go, but if I'm suddenly so nasty because I have...it's not gonna work.) If you can't at least make a go at figuring out how to put that bookshelf together...it's not gonna work.
Unchecked mental/emotional issues- We've all got baggage and problems. If you're not dealing with yours responsibly, whatever "responsibly" needs to be, I'm not going to be dragged into it.
Hmm....I'm sure there are other things but those are the major ones at least. And this list is pretty long. If you read this far...congratulations!
I have precisely one long-term relationship to speak of in this lifetime, so most of these have never been tested even a bit...but really, I don't think I would want to test them anyway, I know what's important to me and I know what I couldn't put up with. So...in no particular order...
Jealousy- I refuse to deal with someone getting all bent out of shape if I smile at the guy who takes my coffee order or if someone on the street so much as glances in my direction. If you can't deal with me interacting with other people, you need to become a hermit and find yourself another hermit to date.
Overly Possessive- similar to jealously. There is a certain "possessive" element in my relationship with Gavin, but it's largely light-hearted (especially in its expression) and it stays well away from any sort of "I own you" territory, there is no aspect of control. Additionally, it's entirely mutual, I think this is the most important thing, this is what really makes the existing level okay.
Controlling- this falls right in with jealousy and possessiveness. My being in a relationship with someone does not entitle them to control me. I do not give up my autonomy.
Needing to constantly be entertained- Gavin and I can sit in the same room, I'll be reading, she'll be playing video games, and that's fine. If you need me to be constantly entertaining you, there's something wrong. I'm not your entertainment director. Go get a hobby.
Being too much of a morning person- I work weird hours that have me sleeping during the day half the week or more. I am a night person. People who are ridiculously happy and cheerful and chipper at 6am make my brain bleed.
Doesn't respect my privacy- Admittedly, I don't really keep much in the way of secrets to begin with, and there's not really much that Gavin doesn't know about me (except for where I've hidden the secret glitter stash. One day she's going to take the wrong step and...blammo! Pink glitter-encrusted Gavin! Bwahahahahahahahaa) but she knows stuff because I choose to tell it to her, not because she's somehow become entitled to every single solitary detail.
Overly dependent/expects me to be very dependent on them- I have, in this relationship, finally become okay (mostly, there are sometimes when my brain still kinda boggles at the thought, but it doesn't cause me to try and run away or anything) with a certain level of dependency. But there is a point of too much...and I can't really offer a clear "line" as an illustration...but suffice it to say that it would be anything too much beyond what currently exists.
Workaholic- There is one thing that I can accept being put before the other person in a relationship. Work ain't it. (Okay, two if you have kids, but I don't and will not have kids so it's a moot point. and if you do have kids, those kids better be first) One of the major reasons that I like my job so much is that, with a very few occasional exceptions (like giving my phone number to new coworkers and telling them that they can call me in the middle of the night if something goes wrong and they can't get ahold of Rich) when I leave work, my job stays there. It does not come home with me. and (with very few exceptions) I work a 40-hour week, that's it.
Wants/has kids- I am not a parent. I don't want to be a parent. I am not cut out to be a parent. I would be a bad parent. Therefore, I do not have kids, and plan to keep it that way. (If I get pregnant, Gavin has some explaining to do.)
The idea of a small, helpless thing depending on me for everything for a fifth or more of my life, and then still constantly being there after that is...no. Just, no. I can't deal with that. I don't want that sort of responsibility, and would never handle it well. I like my life the way it is. I like that I can do what I want when I want. Having kids requires that you put them and everything having to do with them ahead of anything that you want or need and I am not willing to do that.
I also don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to deal with all the various medical issues and risks that come with pregnancy. I don't want to go through the process of giving birth. I don't want to deal with all the needles.
I don't want to bring a child into this world. Even if I wanted kids, I wouldn't have my own. I would adopt. There are far too many kids who have no families, who never get adopted. I couldn't in good conscience, have another baby.
There was a time where I was sorta "Well, maybe I would adopt...someday...when I'm older...maybe", but I came to the conclusion that I would be a bad parent and I should not have kids. Some people just shouldn't. Additionally, I would be terrified that somewhere along the line, any kid that I have would be subjected to some sort of repeat of my childhood, that someone else would do to them what my father and grandparents did to me. I can't have that.
So...no kids.
Wants to change me- I am who I am, and while there have been far fewer attempts by people I've known to change me in my life than some people may experience, but what there's been has been more than enough. If you can't accept me as I am, then you don't need to be with me.
Religion- I think this is the most important thing anymore, for me. This is the one thing that I can accept being placed ahead of the other person in a relationship (and I will add that if it is to be that way, it should probably mutual, or at the very least, if it's not then it should be made known to the other party that one feels this way so they can decide if they're okay with being in such a relationship or not.) and that is actually the case here- one of the very first things that we agreed on back at the beginning was that religion came first for both of us (fortunately though, there really hasn't been a need for either of us to invoke this term.)
All other personal issues aside, I think that the question of religion was what had me avoiding any attempts at relationships for a very long time- either I didn't really know how I felt, or once I figured out how I felt, I didn't know where or when I was going to find anyone who actually met what I needed.
For a long time, I thought I would be okay, if I met the right person, if they were of a different religion, as long as they were accepting and understanding. Eventually, that became that they should probably be non-Abrahamic. I once went on a few dates with a guy who was Buddhist, and any discussion of religion was him going on about how their is no god and in the end, we are all one and we need to let go of all things earthly and...well, a lot of other things that I knew that I just couldn't keep hearing over and over again on a long-term basis. Eventually, I decided that polytheistic was probably a good "must" to add to the list...and thigns got a little more complicated when you added clergy training and my relationship to Apollo getting more, er, interesting...so they had to be able to have some understanding of that, and that I would probably be needing to actually be able to talk about it to some extent....so that they also be much more involved in their religion than just the occasional attendee of a high day or something like that.
This drastically reduced my potential dating pool. Thankfully, by the time I realized all this, there was actually someone right there who met all that and it was only a matter of months before my roommate became my girlfriend. And the rest is history.
Treating me like a child- I'm not, so don't.
If I were dating a guy- if the fact that I'm bi and the idea that he might get the chance to see me make out with another woman, or have a threesome or whatever were a major motivation to date me. But hey...not dating a guy. (I'm sure there are some women out there who would date another bi women and get all excited about seeing her with a guy, but I never ran into that, so it was never really an issue in my mind.)
Not monogamous- I'm monogamous. I have no interest in being part of a polyamorous relationship. It's just not my thing. I have no problems with people who are, though I do take great issue with those who seem to think that poly people are somehow better or more evolved, or who try to push others into being poly or seem to think that monogamous people on;y exist to oppress polyamorous people. It's just not my thing, end of story.
Lack of intelligence- I have to be able to talk to you, and you have to be able to respond intelligently. Sorry, but pretty looks aren't going to sustain a relationship.
Lack of physical attraction- this isn't to say that they have to look a certain way or anything like that. I simply have to be physically attracted to them.
Doesn't like to read- I don't care what it is, really that you do read, and you dont have to be the world's greatest bookworm but if you don't like to read...I don't get it. Similarly, people who don't like to read often don't get people who do- I put up with far too much harassment from siblings and stepsiblings and a step-mother (at a few points, probably bordering on the point of abuse) because I read a lot. I won't deal with that in a relationship.
racism, sexism, classism- eh, nuff said, I think
age- I think about ten years older than me was enough of an upper limit for someone older. As for someone younger, I never really thought about it for a long time because I was never really attracted to someone more than two or three years younger than me. Then a couple of years ago, I had a pretty serious crush on a coworker who I thought was about the same age as me...until I fount out that he was only twenty-one at the time. And I realized...wait, he's younger than my youngest brother...NO!!!! So, it became no one younger than my youngest brother, (Whose age I can't remember half the time...lol I know when he was born, so it's not hard to figure out) at the outside.
Smoking, drug use, anything more than occasional drinking, or a complete non-drinker who wants to impose it on others or lord it over anyone who doesn't agree.
Super-crazy-greener-than-thou types- Yeah, the environment is important. Yeah, I care. But it's not my life's work to save the spotted owl, and don't bitch at me for not composting every single thing I can.
People who can't walk a little (not talking about physical disabilities here)- I live in the city, I don't own a car. I hate public transportation. For the most part, if I can, I walk there. If the weather is reasonable (note: I don't usually consider 45 degrees and raining to be unreasonable) and you're in decent health, if you're gonna freak out at the idea of walking to the harbor, that's a problem for me.
Moral policing- I'm an adult, thanks. Unless I'm doing something that's harming someone else or something serious like that, leave me alone. I watch r-rated movies (and some of the foreign movies I've gotten on netflix are unrated...hehehehe). I like sex. I drink coffee. I worship pagan gods. I've been known to sleep past noon! Bwahahahahahahahaha. And stuff.
Overly stereotypically girly-girl/damsel-in-distress types- If you're going to jump on a chair and shriek at the site of a small creature, if you can't leave the house without spending an hour on your makeup, if the ideas of camping in a muddy field sends you screaming (and I don't mean just "it's not my thing", I can deal with that, you don't have to go do it, but if you're going to have a cow at the mere mention of something like that- yeah, someone once did that to me. she decided that I was undatable because I would do such a thing, I decided that she was undatable because she freaked out when she found out that I've done such a thing. Hey, no one's forcing you to go, but if I'm suddenly so nasty because I have...it's not gonna work.) If you can't at least make a go at figuring out how to put that bookshelf together...it's not gonna work.
Unchecked mental/emotional issues- We've all got baggage and problems. If you're not dealing with yours responsibly, whatever "responsibly" needs to be, I'm not going to be dragged into it.
Hmm....I'm sure there are other things but those are the major ones at least. And this list is pretty long. If you read this far...congratulations!
