![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badstarI feel...icky. Not getting-sick icky, but ick. All alone in a huge crowd of people, can't do anyhitng right, can't make anything work, never gonna do what I want to do, gonna be stagnate here wherever I am for another twenty or thirty years icky.
The worst part about this feeling is that when I think of everything being okay, wonderful, getting better, being happy, whatever, it doesn't seem okay. It's not like I can't think of anyhitng being better- I can, but I just can't imagine myself feeling any better for it.
The problem is, I don't know what's really wrong. If you've been reading my journal for more than a few months, you've probably seen me post at some point or other about feeling helplessly lonely and patheticly alone from time to time, it tends to come up maybe two or three times a year. And it's gone within a week, and once it's gone, I can't imagine why I would ever feel that way. And while I do feel that way, I know it's going to be gone soon, so I just carry on like nothing is wrong until it is. I was six or seven when I remember first feeling like this. I don't know if it's just the occasional blahs, or some sort of very low-grade depression, but I can't stand it and I really wish it would just stop happening.
Last night at one point, I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach. I feel even more "Like this" than what usually happens. This is starting to remind me an awful lot of a week that I had once about three years ago. Oh...and I just now realized that at some point between this week and next, Alex died ten years ago.
A note to those I live with...I'm trying to avoid it...but if I get cranky or seem to be paying less attention than usual to anything or exhibit other out of the blue weirdness, try not to totally kill me. K?
The worst part about this feeling is that when I think of everything being okay, wonderful, getting better, being happy, whatever, it doesn't seem okay. It's not like I can't think of anyhitng being better- I can, but I just can't imagine myself feeling any better for it.
The problem is, I don't know what's really wrong. If you've been reading my journal for more than a few months, you've probably seen me post at some point or other about feeling helplessly lonely and patheticly alone from time to time, it tends to come up maybe two or three times a year. And it's gone within a week, and once it's gone, I can't imagine why I would ever feel that way. And while I do feel that way, I know it's going to be gone soon, so I just carry on like nothing is wrong until it is. I was six or seven when I remember first feeling like this. I don't know if it's just the occasional blahs, or some sort of very low-grade depression, but I can't stand it and I really wish it would just stop happening.
Last night at one point, I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach. I feel even more "Like this" than what usually happens. This is starting to remind me an awful lot of a week that I had once about three years ago. Oh...and I just now realized that at some point between this week and next, Alex died ten years ago.
A note to those I live with...I'm trying to avoid it...but if I get cranky or seem to be paying less attention than usual to anything or exhibit other out of the blue weirdness, try not to totally kill me. K?
