further comment on my previous entry...

[badstar]

There is a unique emotional pattern to this, part of which I’m not sure I can entire describe in words, but will attempt to as best as I can. First of all there is a loneliness to this. But it is not the same as the other loneliness that I sometimes feel- it isn’t the heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, abandoned loneliness. It’s a simple isolation, a feeling of no one ever being able to really understand me- partially because other people simply are not able to get inside my head, partially because I’m not capable of expressing that part of myself to others coherently. There’s a detachment from the feelings too- I don’t so much feel these emotions as think in them. There’s also a certain resignation and acceptance that that’s how I am and even if it isolates me and makes me difficult or impossible to completely understand, it’s just the way it is and even more than that, I’m not really sure that I would want to change.