Fuck, how much else have I been wrong about?

[badstar]

All this time, all these years now, it's been "clergy, clergy clergy" kicking at me, beating at me, harassing me, not letting me have any peace.

And then I finally found the means to pursue it.

And now I get to the point where I'm working on that...and I wake up one day with this thought in my semi-conscious mind, this idea that I could just drop it and walk away comes to mind, and for a minute it's this giddy, giggly, slightly insanely gleeful thought in my mind, and it's so damned clear.

Was it in the stupor of passing sleep that this thought found its way to the surface, with my conscious mind not quite coherent enough to keep it down?

How can I honestly serve an organization when I can't even relate to a number of its major elements? (ancestor worship, earth/nature worship to name a few) This has been really bothering me for a while now, and was one of the big sticking points resubmitting my essays for CTP approval, the three kindreds essay.

I respect nature and care about what happens to the earth, but I don't relate to it on a religious basis. I want to scream when I hear that all pagan religions are earth-centered, or that "we as pagans should..." as if being pagan somehow means that one should strive to be a beacon of ecological correctness and that it somehow makes one more ecologically correct by default- not that I'm saying that it's a bad idea to do what one can to improve the planetary situation- I'm not.

But I just can't connect it to my religious practice. Somehow, the two just...don't meet up.

But anyway, that essay, it was the one I rewrote the most. And by the time I got to the accepted version, I almost hated myself for it.

Don't get me wrong- I didn't write anything untrue. I wouldn't have lied to get it through. but if it had been sent back one more time, I just couldn't have done it. I couldn't have given any more to that essay than I gave, and remained honest.

Then there's the general question- what is clergy? Among other things, clergy perform weddings, and funerals and all that stuff. You know, if someone really close came to me and asked me to perform a wedding, or (gods forbid) a funeral, I'd do it. But can I just be available to the general pagan public to do that? I really don't think I can. I've never really been able to truly see myself doing that.

So why am I doing this?

I think I know what happened.

First of all, I think I made some misinterpretations along the way. Starting with "clergy".

There is still absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am supposed to be serving the gods in some strongly devoted capacity. That, if anything is as crystal clear as ever.

Somehow, though, I think it got interpreted in my mind as "clergy" because it's a familiar concept. And it really didn't take much for that to formulate as what it was meant to be.

An instant to form, and almost ten years to break down.

Gawds. The last year and a half, all the long, unending conversations that I've had with Gavin- about general aspects of being a member of the clergy, aspects of ADF that don't jive with one's own religious beliefs/practice etc, how many things have I said didn't bother me (at least not too badly)? How many things have I said I could deal with? How many things was I wrong about (or how many things did I have myself convinced of?)

Dammit, there's so much more that just doesn't fit.

I was upset and worried that night, when I made that post I referenced earlier, I felt like I had turned my back on everything for a minute there. And then by the morning, I was fine and everything seemed to have gone back to the way it should be, and by the time I was telling Michael about it later that evening, I couldn't figure out why I'd been so upset. It was this randomly-interjected moment of absurdity in what was a clear-cut picture.

And then, there was this moment, several weeks ago, where I saw myself leaving. Two or three years from now. ADF and Baltimore both. It seemed long-term temporary, but again...two or three years down the road.

What if I was wrong about the time? What if it's now? (Not leaving Baltimore, I couldn't if I wanted to) but...everything else?

God, I had this all figured out. I had a plan.

This time, I don't think I'm going to wake up tomorrow and say that I don't know what I was so upset about.

Arright. Where does this leave me?

I've got my faith and devotion to the gods.

Dammit, I thought I knew what he meant when he said it was going to hurt. I was wrong, and that's been nothing so far. This kills.

Comments

[blaisepascal]

I used to be friends with this guy who claimed to know a lot about clergy, a lot about paganism, a lot about Druidism even. Having heard him talk about all those subjects at length, I believe that he would agree that ADF -- and probably the clergy -- are a bad fit for you, for exactly the reasons you discuss in this posting. And that isn't a bad thing.

ADF is a druid path -- an attempt a Celtic reconstructionism. Things like ancestor worship, the three kindreds, etc are central to ADF's form of Druidism. If you can't embrace those tenets, then you are probably right; ADF isn't the path for you to follow. Worse, continuing to walk that path is hurting you, because it isn't who you are, what you want to be doing.

The only problem is that stepping off that path, admitting to yourself that you were on the wrong path, and having no new path to step onto is scary.

My friend also talked about clergy and its role in neopaganism. First off, modern neopaganism tends to work on the assumption that everyone who is (neo)"pagan" can, or should, be clergy. That the ultimate goal of religious training is to be clergy -- to be a priest/ess, a druid, a goði/gyðja, whatever. My friend pointed out that is not the traditional form. Clergy, in virtually all religions -- including classical Pagan religions neopaganism is supposedly trying to emulate, are full-time religious functionaries who performed liturgy and other religious duties for the community they served. The vast majority of religiously believing Norse, Celts, Romans, Greeks, Hindu, Shinto, and other paleopagan peoples weren't clergy. When they wanted services from the Gods, they went to the professionals -- and paid for the services. (Oh yeah, my friend also campaigned for paid neopagan clergy. I believe he's managed to go on the lecture circuit and thus make money as neopagan clergy that way.)

What he said makes a lot of sense to me. There is a distinction between clergy and congregation (for lack of a better word). And in my practice, I have noticed that there tends to be, in any community I'm in, a lot more people who show up for neopagan liturgical services than perform them. So I am acutely aware that clergy isn't for everyone. But I also understand how, ten years ago, you might have easily thought the only way to be fully committed to a connection to the old gods was to become clergy.

So it seems that you are looking towards what is right for you, and don't know, exactly, what that is yet. It's scary, but not bad.

BTW, my friend's name is P.E. Isaac Bonewitz. You may have heard of him.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

I have noticed that there tends to be, in any community I'm in, a lot more people who show up for neopagan liturgical services than perform them. So I am acutely aware that clergy isn't for everyone.


Well, there's also a difference between being clergy and being a liturgist. There was a point a while back where I wondered if *liturgist* wasn't the way I should be going- and now I'm starting to think about that again. I love the ritual aspect of religion. (And I really do love ADF's rituals. It's one of the huge things that I would miss painfully if I did decide to leave the organization- which I haven't decided to do. )

[fuego.livejournal.com]

Well...I'm not entirely leaving just yet....(see subsequent posts)

In fact, Tim and I were talking about you not two days ago...and after reading your journals, we both knew that you were going to be making a significant change.


Hmm...do I want to know what was said?

The aftermath can be dicey, sometimes.

We haven't quite gotten to the aftermath....

[fuego.livejournal.com]

Ah, so then this is what I get for giving the gods Ghirardelli instead of Lindt when they were so clearly telling me in my dream that they waned the Lindt?

:-P

[chironcentaur.livejournal.com]

It may be that I am totally insensitive (which we both know I am) but what is causing the meltdown here? Is ADF really that important to your spiritual identity, in spite of how much doesn't fit in with you, that you don't know what to do without it? Is it not having a clear cut path to follow anymore? Because as you said, you still have your gods and your faith and devotion to them and that is all you really need. Is it wondering how much else you've been wrong about? That's not something I'd be that worried about, the gods' long term plans for people do seem to change around quite a bit mostly because they choose not to tell us everything we need to know, its a long process of figuring things out that will probably never really end. Going down this path was obviously not a drastic mistake or else they probably would have stepped in and corrected it a long time ago. You got what you needed out of it and you can take what you've learned here with you when you move to another organization or venture out to learn entirely on your own (if so, welcome to the club).

[fuego.livejournal.com]

Nah, no worries about the insensitivity part.

It's just that I thought I knew what I was doing for so long. And it just...broke.

Actually, at this point, hmm...looks like almost 2 hours since I made the post, I'm...fine. Calm, clear-minded. Very mellow.

I'll figure it out.

[chironcentaur.livejournal.com]

At this point in time my sensitivity (or lack thereof) should be old news.

And I think you do still know what you're doing. Your goal was to be clergy for Apollo, right? Not ADF clergy specifically, just clergy. its not as though you can't do that anymore. The goal remains the same even if the execution changes a little.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

Your goal was to be clergy for Apollo, right?

It wasn't before Apollo came along? Which...well, he was vaguely here and there before, but became a major presence in my life just after I decided that I was going to do the CTP and joined ADF actually.


However it goes, I would be that which Apollo would have me be.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

At this point in time my sensitivity (or lack thereof) should be old news.

True. You are rather predictable in that arena.

[dubhlainn.livejournal.com]

I wonder... have you looked at the Initiate Path at all? I know it is billed as the "internal" path or "clergy light" or whatever but the programs are the same as the Clergy Program only they highlight ... well mostly the ones you mentioned above (not counting Liturgy).

When i read these posts from you I think two things.

1) ADF would be less without you, and people like you, we need people of varying points of view to continue to be (or grow into) a vital religious system.

2) I am inspired by your personally, in spite of our different viewpoints about paganism and hearth cultures. I would be saddened if you left and I would be honored to call you a my clergy.

[carynml.livejournal.com]

Well girlfriend, after reading all your posts, I have to wonder if the title and goal that you though was clergy might not be priestess instead.
A prisstess of Apollo and Dionysus? I don't know but the idea certainly has plenty of I-E support. I would deffinitely look at the Initiates Path just to see if it appeals to you more. As a matter of fact, I've thought about it myself, every time I get frustrated with the CTP. And they are other places that you could get clergy credentials that were more taylored to your individual path. Ecumenicon Fellowship is one such place but there are others.
We can talk.

-And BTW, if it makes you feel any better, some of us that are going through the CTP are convinced that other than Ian and maybe Skip, the rest of the "grandfathered" fully ordained priests would not be able to pass the damn thing without becoming so frustrated that they would quit. This list includes Fox, Isaac, and Bryan. ;D

[carynml.livejournal.com]

I can spell priestess. I can spell priestess. I can spell priestess.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

prisstess

I think it is appropriately serpentine though...

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

To me it looks like you found, or at least found a way to verbalize, a very important thing. Until the moment of "this kills", I was all ready to offer my congratulations, because I see this as a tremendous step in you following your own path, and defining who you are and how you relate to your deities.

I've been reading about you trying to find a balance between your own faith and the expectations of your community, whose needs are not identical to yours. "Clergy" is not just a service to gods, but also to people, and what I've been seeing is that for you, these aspects do not match up perfectly.

I hope that this realization is a step in reconciling your own needs expectations, those of your gods, and those of the people around you.