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What if...?
Feb. 5th, 2008 12:41 amDammit, I'm really not in a good mood right now. I feel like I need to sleep. Or cry. Or...I dunno. Scream? Kick something? Pick a fight?
I've no idea where this came from, but today when I woke up (earlier in the day, not in the afternoon after that dream) I laid there on my bed, staring up at the ceiling and I found myself very seriously contemplating dropping the clergy training program.
I don't know why. but for a moment, the thought was so clear in my mind, and I remember thinking how it would be fine, the gods would be okay with it, and how whatever else is to come in the future would fulfill this damned inexplicable need that I had to pursue clergy training.
After about a minute, I shook myself out of it. It wouldn't be okay. Whatever happens, one thing is not a substitute for another and I endured too much headache and stupidity and time shaking my fist in the general direction of California as Raven asked me for more essay rewrites without being specific as to what the problem was.
I didn't start this to give up before I even got into it. What the hell, where did the idea that I should drop it even come from? I AM doing this the right way. Aren't I? Aren't I?
Dammit, I want to be home right now. If I were home, I could go to my room and turn off the lights and put a pillow over my head and go to sleep and hope that this passed in the night.
Dammit, this hurts. Badly. It'll pass. But I'm scared that it won't. What if I am doing this the wrong way? How much time will I have wasted? Am I wasting time?
My stomach feels like it's tied up in knots. I don't want to be here. On top of everything else, this office is sweltering. If I turn down the heat at all, it will freeze. I'm in a bad mood, and I don't feel like having earphones jammed into my ears, but if I take them out, I'm afraid that Tiffany will start yapping again (Brian left at midnight, so there's only me if she starts talking) and then I might actually make good on that desire to pick a fight. Which is a bad idea.
I'm going to find myself a cold caffeinated beverage.
I've no idea where this came from, but today when I woke up (earlier in the day, not in the afternoon after that dream) I laid there on my bed, staring up at the ceiling and I found myself very seriously contemplating dropping the clergy training program.
I don't know why. but for a moment, the thought was so clear in my mind, and I remember thinking how it would be fine, the gods would be okay with it, and how whatever else is to come in the future would fulfill this damned inexplicable need that I had to pursue clergy training.
After about a minute, I shook myself out of it. It wouldn't be okay. Whatever happens, one thing is not a substitute for another and I endured too much headache and stupidity and time shaking my fist in the general direction of California as Raven asked me for more essay rewrites without being specific as to what the problem was.
I didn't start this to give up before I even got into it. What the hell, where did the idea that I should drop it even come from? I AM doing this the right way. Aren't I? Aren't I?
Dammit, I want to be home right now. If I were home, I could go to my room and turn off the lights and put a pillow over my head and go to sleep and hope that this passed in the night.
Dammit, this hurts. Badly. It'll pass. But I'm scared that it won't. What if I am doing this the wrong way? How much time will I have wasted? Am I wasting time?
My stomach feels like it's tied up in knots. I don't want to be here. On top of everything else, this office is sweltering. If I turn down the heat at all, it will freeze. I'm in a bad mood, and I don't feel like having earphones jammed into my ears, but if I take them out, I'm afraid that Tiffany will start yapping again (Brian left at midnight, so there's only me if she starts talking) and then I might actually make good on that desire to pick a fight. Which is a bad idea.
I'm going to find myself a cold caffeinated beverage.
