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I always think of myself as a very open, honest person. But the more I think about it lately, the more I realize that there is a lot that I hide. Or well, maybe not hide- at least, not intentionally, but there's a lot I don't talk about. Much. Mostly don't really have a reason to. On rare occasions to one or two specific people. And I think in the past I may have made a passing LJ post about that really merited no certain memory that I can think of and I'm not going back through several years of posts to try and look up. Whatever, no matter.
/tangent
Keeping in mind that I'm a fairly social critter...I've been called a "people person"- a phrase which I really dislike, but I agree with to an extent. I'm a people person within my own limits. which fluctuate...I feel like I don't belong in far more places than I do belong, and even when I do, there are times when I don't.
Tonight on the way to work, I suddenly remembered a long-forgotten conversation with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dcnblus discussing how for a long time, I felt that there were some things that were okay for other people- depending on other people, wanting to be in a romantic relationship- that were not okay for me. All linked to a fear of becoming dependent on others. This was quite a while ago and I've largely gotten over, or more accurately I think, gotten past that, though there are always, probably always will be, remnants of that lurking around that will show up from time to time. Anyway...at the time, discussing reasons for this, one of the thoughts that came up was the fact that I felt I shouldn't need these things. It's okay for other people, but somewhere along the line I picked up the idea that it is (or at least should be) beyond me, and that I was somehow something beyond human. Not better than or above or below, or inhuman but beyond, somewhat outside of or removed from humanity just enough that I could feel it...in it, but not completely of it. At the time, he had suggested "metahuman". I've not thought of a better word. To analogize, if humanity was a big house party and everyone was in the middle of the room dancing and drinking and talking, I'm off in the corner flipping through CD's by the stereo and looking out over the scene, observing. (This is not a literal description of me at a party, for the record. Anyone who's ever been to a party with me knows that.) I'm there, I can interact but there's an outside quality to me on the inside that isn't generally seen because I don't really express it and in the moments where it is showing, it's manifesting in some other way that to anyone else, is wholly incidental and isolated. I'm a mostly social person, but there's this invisible barrier that as far as I know is imperceptible to anyone else, at times imperceptible to me.
Anyway, I've never lost this feeling, though I haven't thought much of it in a long time- not in these terms anyway though definitely in many other ways. And as soon as I started thinking about this, I also realized that I had slipped into being extremely unsure if I was in my own mind or if I was in someone else's, looking through their eyes...and then I remembered feeling like this on a near-constant basis for quite a while around the time of that conversation, and that it was around this time or shortly before that the constant feeling that something was about to happen- that I would find something or see something, or have some massive personal revelation- started.
*shrug* I dunno.
/tangent
Keeping in mind that I'm a fairly social critter...I've been called a "people person"- a phrase which I really dislike, but I agree with to an extent. I'm a people person within my own limits. which fluctuate...I feel like I don't belong in far more places than I do belong, and even when I do, there are times when I don't.
Tonight on the way to work, I suddenly remembered a long-forgotten conversation with
dcnblus discussing how for a long time, I felt that there were some things that were okay for other people- depending on other people, wanting to be in a romantic relationship- that were not okay for me. All linked to a fear of becoming dependent on others. This was quite a while ago and I've largely gotten over, or more accurately I think, gotten past that, though there are always, probably always will be, remnants of that lurking around that will show up from time to time. Anyway...at the time, discussing reasons for this, one of the thoughts that came up was the fact that I felt I shouldn't need these things. It's okay for other people, but somewhere along the line I picked up the idea that it is (or at least should be) beyond me, and that I was somehow something beyond human. Not better than or above or below, or inhuman but beyond, somewhat outside of or removed from humanity just enough that I could feel it...in it, but not completely of it. At the time, he had suggested "metahuman". I've not thought of a better word. To analogize, if humanity was a big house party and everyone was in the middle of the room dancing and drinking and talking, I'm off in the corner flipping through CD's by the stereo and looking out over the scene, observing. (This is not a literal description of me at a party, for the record. Anyone who's ever been to a party with me knows that.) I'm there, I can interact but there's an outside quality to me on the inside that isn't generally seen because I don't really express it and in the moments where it is showing, it's manifesting in some other way that to anyone else, is wholly incidental and isolated. I'm a mostly social person, but there's this invisible barrier that as far as I know is imperceptible to anyone else, at times imperceptible to me.Anyway, I've never lost this feeling, though I haven't thought much of it in a long time- not in these terms anyway though definitely in many other ways. And as soon as I started thinking about this, I also realized that I had slipped into being extremely unsure if I was in my own mind or if I was in someone else's, looking through their eyes...and then I remembered feeling like this on a near-constant basis for quite a while around the time of that conversation, and that it was around this time or shortly before that the constant feeling that something was about to happen- that I would find something or see something, or have some massive personal revelation- started.
*shrug* I dunno.
