I'm Feeling Particularly Tragic Today....

This is just an email I wrote and posted on a couple of lists to let people know I'm still alive....I'll probably clean it up and edit it later just because it's so all over the plac and long...i dunno...whatever....but I just had an incredibly bad weekend.

as of thursday, things were peachy....I found out that I was going to be hired on a trial basis for what is probably about as closeas I can get to my dream job while I live in lancaster, though I won't be starting for another week or so...but in the meantime, I got a temp job with the understanding that I could quit as soon as i got an exact start date for the other job...they would just get someone else from the same place. in the meantime they were happyto have the same person on a daily basis for a week or two.

i started that thursday. 3rd shift. bleh. went home friday morning tred as hell...fell asleep figurign i'd be asleep most of the day.

Was I ever wrong. Mom woke me up after about 2 hours...I had to rush out to hospice with my sister because my grandfather was there and they weren't giving him more than a few hours...granted this was probably the 17th time that we'd heard thos words in the last 2 years or so, but we went...we spent all day there, left in the evening, went back to my grandmother's house only to have my uncle tell us we had to go back soon as we got in the driveway. then there was a major fight betweenmy uncle and my aunt because my cousin (their son) wasn't there...my aunt insisted he had to be there to see my grandfather die, my uncle said that neither of them were leaving, and if he died while they were gone, he'd never forgive himself. my sister ended up going to pick him up, he didn't want to be there nyway...can't stand hospitals and medical stuff and all that plus anxiety attacks...but his parents wouldn't quit yelling at him the whole time...i was so tempted to grab them both and bang their heads together. We left a few hours later to let grandfather sleep...I eventually got home and went to sleep, only to b woken up again baerly an hour and a half later by my sister...hospice called saying he was on his way out for sure. I was going to go but couldn't drag myself out of bed. If I had gone, one of2 things would have happeed..he would have been dead before I got there and there was nothing to do but stand around and be depressed, or we would sit there all night watching him and stand around and be depressed....i decided to stay and sleep.

my grandfater died around 130 in the morning....about 10 minutes before my sister got there, just like i said. got up friday, went to do some stuff including reactivating my cell phone...i havent used it all summer. damned at&t changed my number on me....i don't know why, my number isn't in use by anyone else....so that irked me 6 ways from sunday...ended up inadvertently at the mall for most of the day...

we had domino's pizza 4 or 5 times this weekend. I'm not that crazy about it to begin with...my grandmother loves it, i can tolerate it if i haven't eaten all day. i may never touch a domino's pizza again.

Spent saturday night at my granparents' house....burned 30 cd's, and now none of them will play...they played when i checked them after i burned them dammit...what's wrong now?

viewing was sunday night....i swear, if i never hear "I haven't seen you since you were this high" while whoever says it holds their hand about a foot and a half off of the floor again, it'll be too soon.

I haven't been a foot and a half tall in.....well, i guess it was at some point before i was born..i wa like 22 inches tall when I was born. Not that it matters....but I'm just babbling now.

anyway, we had domino's pizza after the viewing too. and I got really sick of people saying that i was "hiding my grief so well"

i wan't hiding anyhing dammit, i just wasn't crying....or howling like a wounded banshee the way my aunt was.

and all i kept thinking the whole time was..."if my grandmother hugs me one more time, i'm gonna projectile vomit"

my grandmother has the worst smelling perfume in the world....i mean it's bad....migraine inducing...and she puts on about 10 spritzes at a time.

and then there as the whole issue of everyone going on and on and on about how wonderful a person my grandfather was, how wonderful he was to everyone, how kind and generous and giving....

wat a minute, are we talkign about my grandfather? the same guy who along with my grandmother managed to convince me that my mother didn't love or care about me when i was 7 years old? who told me that my other had disapeared,left the state, didn't leave a forwarding address and abandoned me, when in fact she was living just a few mies away, doing everything she could to try to see us but because my father had signed his custody of me and my sister entirely over to grandparents, and becuase they had a better lawyer, a lot more money and a couple of people willing to lie for them, were able to keep her from seeing us for 6 months, and by the time we did see her again, i was already convinced that shedidn't care about me or love me....the same person who said i wasn't really a part of his family if i didn't share the same political opinions, and who threatened to disown me if i ever married an italian man (nevermind that i'm 1/4 sicillian myself)

i didn't seep enough sunday night. the funeral was horrible...funerals are. we had to stand by the casket for an hour. it was torture. i spent most of the time talking to my cousins...ok, goofing off..trying to keep ourr minds off things...and we kept getting yelled at for laughing. then on the way out the door to the cemetary, i grabbed a box of tissues from the church without erally thinking about it and took them to the cemetary...my sister kept yelling at me for that....we were going back to the church anyway, i brought them back....

anyway, i made it home in one piece, slept til quarter after 7, got up, went to work....let this morning...it was freezing, i was wearing a sleeveles top with no jacket...i was freezing....and on top of everythign else, when i stopped at the temp office to turn in my paperwork for the day, i found out that the supervisor had stopped by on his way home and requested that i not return.

i have NO idea why. It makes no sense...he told me that i was doing a great job (it was cleaning.....the job sucked and was as boring as hell, but i was happy to be working again). He asked me before I left if i would be in again tonight, i'd said yes, he'd said see you then. What The Fuck?

I stopped at turkey hill next door, got iced tea, called home and tried to get mom to come pick me up, at that point i didn't feel like either waiting for the next bus downtown, or waklig...in fact i was sure i was going to throw up...but mom was asleep, and chelle was in her usual bitch mode....so i ended jup walking back into town to catch the bus home...crying the whole way.

nothing like walking from the eastern end of new holland ave all the way into duke street, crying all the way to start your day.

and now here i am...still awake and ready to collapse.

I need someone to hold me up.




And now I've got Randy Travis songs stuck in my head.

*Sob*

I feel like I have no physical strength whatsoever....like my body is made of overcooked spaghetti....

I Forgot....

If anyone wants my new cell phone number, let me know....to my friends, I'm just gonna slap it up in a friends-only post.