I Get So Sick Of Myself Sometimes...

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just let myself think what I'm feeling without getting all bent out of shape about it? So here's what's up now...I haven't seen Eric in about 2 1/2 weeks. No big deal. I was thinking about that a little while ago and became very mildly bummed about that. Also not a big deal. One of those thoughts that should have passed with the sparkle of the next shiny object. But what happens but my brain grips onto this thought and starts beating me up with it. I'm just becoming a pathetic loser. Boo Hoo. Haven't seen the guy for a couple of weeks. Crybaby. Want some cheese with that whine? Good grief, can't I just like a guy, date the guy and have the worst of my worries be that he'll see me without my makeup on or something so stupid? But no. I've got all these years of having told myself that I don't need to date a guy, I don't need to want to date a guy, I'm above and beyond all that.

Sometimes I wish I could be as codependent as Chelle, Mike and Anthony are. Just long enough to see what that feels like. To be ok with wanting another person around...

I want to believe once and for all that it's ok for me. I want to stop thinking about running away. I just want to be convinced that I'm not letting myself down.

Really Though...

...I'm ok. Frustrated, confused and not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do wth myself here. But I'm ok. I've thought more than once about walking away from, just saying "nevermind". But unless there's a much better reason for that- and I don't see any- I'm not going to. I like him. And I don't want to end this only to have the same thing happen again sometime down the line. All I know is that I don't have a clue what I'm doing or what I should do.


I start counseling next Wednesday.

More Therapeutic Letter Writing...

Dear Brain,

Stop it. You're being stupid and making my head hurt.
That will be all. Go about your business.

Love,
The Rest Of Fuego.

Very Quickly Running Out Of Walls...

...against which to bang my head in anger, annoyance, frustration etc....

Latest page in the Rite Aid Drama...

When I started working there, I requested to be off on Tuesdays by 7pm as often as possible. Anthony seems to have misinterpreted this as "Always schedule me to close Tuesday nights" This week, I decided to switch nights with someone so I could go to beer at a decent hour and see my friends.

Quartnee was scheduled to work tonight, and off last night. Exact same hours and all. So i asked if she would trade nights. She said she could do that. On Monday I called to ask Anthony if that was ok, he said as long as she was ok with it and all shifts were covered, it was fine with him. I later called to talk to Quartnee and let her know that the switch was ok...but I had the time wrong, she wasn't in yet, so I asked Bobby (assistant manager) to give her the message when she came in, he said he would.

Tonight I go into work. Evelyn demands to know where I was last night, why I was there tonight. I told her about the trade, she told me that Quartnee didn't show up. I go into the office where Anthony and Bobby are and sak what had happened. Anthony gets really nasty, tells me that I said that Quartnee was aware of the switch when I called him, so whatever went wrong was between me and her and he was pissed at us both. Plus, she was already here and clocked in and he couldn't affrd to hae us both working tonight. Aduh?

Sooo....I go find Quartnee, ask what happened....she said that Monday evening she found out she was unable to switch after all. Whenshe asked Evelyn for my number to call me and let me know, Evelyn wouldn't give it to her, would also not dial the number for her and hand her the reciever so she could let me know. I can't be upset with Quartnee, she had no way to let me know. BUT both managers in the store yesterday KNEW that we were supposed to switch. Did anyone bother to call me and see if I could make it in since Quartnee wasn't there? Did I have any reason to believe that my shift was not going to be covered?

I realize that when employees switch shifts, the one who was originally supposed to work the switched shift is generally held responsible if something goes wrong. But for pete's sake, if she told them the night before that she was unable to work and they wouldn't provide her with my number or at least dial the phone so that she could call me, and none of them tried to call me and say "Hey, you have to work after all" HOW CAN THEY REALLY BE MAD AT EITHER OF US? Funny, all this time I had mistaken Anthony for a reasonable person.

Let me state for the record:

Rite Aid Can Bite My Ass.

Ok...that's done with. I've got a couple more days there and I'm done. I stand to lose nothing more than a few dollars on my last paycheck. What are they going to do...fire me?