(no subject)

I feel...jumbled up. I feel normal, happy, relieved, blah, sad, worried, hungry, tired, and gawds know what else right now.

The ritual went well, despite some...bumps in the road. I think that if I had to do ritual scriptless again, I'd be ok. Though I really prefer not to read my invocations, I didn't have the chance to memorize this one.

I am happy though that it has passed. And I have learned that doing ritual after having eaten practically nothing all day is a bad idea.

(no subject)

I haven't had a panic attack in...well, let's see, I nearly had one at Samhain this past fall. Before that, it had been a bit over a year.

I should know better not to go out walking around- even just a short distance- when a lot of thigns are getting to me at once. I get upset. Then the butterflies in the stomach thing. And I keep thinking, and the butterflies become giant cecropia moths. And then I feel like a giant hand is squeezing my stomach, and then a larger hand is squeezing my entire torso. And that's about the point where at any given second, I start hyperventilating, or become unable to speak, or both. Fighting it makes it worse. At this point, I can hope it passes, or take in some caffeine in attempts to calm me. (Warding off a panic attack, or having a migraine that has reduced my functionality to nil are the only times when I will ever say - and sincerely mean- that I *need* coffee. I don't know how on earth it is that it calms a panic attack. But it does.)

I needed something to eat and didn't feel like cooking, so I went down to XS and grabbed a chicken wrap and some Vietnamese spring rolls. When walking alone, there's not much I can do to distract myself from my own thoughts. By the time I got back, I was at the giant hand squeezing my entire torso point. Having eaten not much today, it didn't help any. Luckily though, I wasn't shaky like I was last night. I came in and immediately grabbed a can of coffee beans from the freezer, then popped a handful in my mouth and ate them. Steph was making dinner and needed the immediate space, so I had to wait a minute or two before I could actually make the coffee. But munching on the coffee beans definitely helped. I've eaten my sandwich and spring rolls, and am drinking coffee. I am calm now, though things are still bothering me.


I talked to my mom just after I got home. She never asked Mike if he could come and pick me up on Friday. He was taking a nap, so she's going to let me know later.

I talked to Chelle. The seamstress said that if I don't get there by Saturday, there's no way she can get the dress finished in time for the wedding. Which of course, she's putting it on me.

I talked to Jon a while ago. Well, I didn't know it but last week, Kathy had a pulmonary embolism. Luckily she got to the hospital and now they have her on some blood thinners. She's home, but on bed rest for at least a week and will have to be careful of certain things permanently. I don't know if I'll be able to, but I'll have to try and see if I can stop and see her next weekend.

On top of that, it's just been a rather crazy weekend. Methinks I'll be taking a shower before to long and going to bed.

Invocation.

Well, this is what I wrote. In the end, I was happy with it.

Phoebos Apollo, radiant and shining archer,
Pythian Apollo, Lord of Delphi and oracles,
Delian Apollo, Lord of the Island of Delos,
Delphinius,
Averter of evil, Rescuer, Protector of strangers,
Divine healer, Far-shooter. Beautiful, terrible god of truth and light,

I ask your presence. I call to you
To be here this evening and witness this rite.

Golden son of Zeus and Leto, Brother of Artemis,
Lord of the Hyperboreans most pious,
Averter of plagues, giver of foresight
I ask for your blessing of purity, your shining inspiration,
and your unparalleled song.

Apollo, brilliant one of far sight and beautiful voice,
Wine and honey I pour to you.

Ie, Paeon!

(no subject)

So Friday after work, I went straight over to the grove. We were doing a guided meditation, and while I'd tried for weeks to write it, it only came to me at the last minute (and I mean, I was sitting there on the floor at the grove writing it while everyone there chatted and wandered in and out.) It was only a few folks- Caryn, Me, Mark, and these two women, Cat and Jodi who show up randomly once in a while.

I've never written a guided meditation before, so I was kinda worried that it would end up being really cheesy...but I think it was decent, and it's been requested that I record it so that it can be used again. Two and a half pages written, and it only felt like maybe 5 minutes spoken, but it was more like 10 or 15.

After that, Mark and I went to Red Brick Station for dinner and were baffled and amused by the waitresses doing what we called "The salt and pepper ritual"- they would walk around, and go to empty tables, pick up the salt and pepper shakers, clack them together three times and hold them up and look at them. Now, we finally realized that they were checking to see how much was in them, but it seemed a little odd that they would do so repeatedly to the same ones, when no one had been seated at the table to use them in between subsequent clackings. So we decided that it was some crazy ritual that they did.

I slept at the grove on Friday night. Saturday morning was gorgeously sunny, and I went to the grocery store for a few things, and the liquor store for some wine.

Then I went back to the grove and slowly (really quite slowly) people started to show up. And the sky got cloudy. And it started to rain on and off...really only sprinkling, but I had these horrible visions of eventual downpours a la last Midsummer. Thankfully it never got worse than a sprinkle.

The ritual script vanished (and finally showed up this morning in the stupidest of places.) One member of the ritual team only showed up as we were in the middle of the pre-ritual brief. We had to go off-script (the only thing that went wrong was that I completely forgot lore of the season until Caryn reminded me while Kat was doing the invocation to Artemis...so it was slightly rearranged, and Jackie did that after my invocation to Apollo. For never having run through the ritual, and for a festival with which no one else was familiar, it went really well. (At some point, I said to someone, though I forget who it was, that this ritual really had no choice but to go well. Sure, it could have been better, it could always be. But in the end, I'm more than ok with how it went.

The offerings went nicely. Instead of confining it to the ritual patrons, I left it open to any Greek gods. Hymns were read in honor of Themis, Pan, Triton, Aphrodite, Selene and one or two others. And we definitely got the attention of the gods. It's been a while since I've felt such a real presence of the gods in ritual. I mean, I usually feel them around but this was...the only way they could have been more real was if they were to show up in physical, corporeal form.

Caryn said that she felt a much closer presence of some of the other gods, but that it was like Artemis was hiding in the trees and looking out from time to time, and that Apollo was sitting on a throne in a temple far away, but seeing it as though he was right there.

Nope, he was right there. If anything, the temple was right there too.

Towards the end of the offerings, I was really starting to get shaky. Partially for having not eaten and partially because yeah, I was nervous as all get-out.

I had intended to read a hymn and pour a libation of wine as my offering...( but plans, like so many trains, can be derailed )

After that, I was semi-impatient for the ritual to be over (mostly because I was really afraid at this point that I really was going to fall over.) but I didn't want it to be either. I was happy that people actually made use of the personal magic segment of the ritual instead of asking of the gods during offerings. I was happy that people didn't seem to balk at the idea of a more serious ritual, and remain standing unless they physically needed to sit. Will did the greatest omen reading using bay leaves, some of the water from the well, coals from the fire, and soil from the base of the tree. Before he did, he told an abbreviated version of the myth of Apollo and Daphne, explaining the origin of the bay laurel tree. I think that this is my favorite method that I've seen him use for omen reading. And then Kat, Caryn, Jackie and I stood in the center and each held up a chalice of the waters of life while I asked for the blessing. I was just beside myself. By the end of the ritual, the rain had stopped altogether, the sky started to clear a bit, and the air temperature was probably ten degrees warmer than when we started. It ended well. (And then I rushed into the house to grab something to eat.)

I should have gone to bed a long time ago. Sleep now.

Re: Panic Attack

No worries, I am ok. It may be really silly, but confirmation that some things are well beyond my control and that I did nothing wrong makes a huge difference.