(no subject)

Okay, I'm sorta driving myself crazy right now. really driving myself insane right now.

Between all the stuff that started getting to me Friday night (Believe me, it's still eating away...), a dream that I had Saturday night that made me realize that I think I have an answer to something that I've been trying to figure out for a very long time- albeit an extremely unexpected answer but it seems that it might ahve been staring me in the face for quite some time now. (I don't think I've ever had a dream that was such a clear-screaming message from my subconscious conscious brain and now I don't know what to do with that.) and some news that I got yesterday at the grove (concerning my dedicant's program...it's still approved, but...someone made a stupid. A really big stupid. Unfortunately, I don't know who did the initial stupid. I know who continued with the stupid. I'm pissed off and annoyed. It might affect my doing the clergy program- or it could delay me anyway. I don't even know if I'm supposed to know about it.

God, I hope I'm just being overly melodramatic and that this all leads to nothing...or, almost nothing. I want them to ask me some questions about my work. I don't care how trivial they are at this point, but apparently there were questions and no one bothered to let me know that someone was unclear and they took it to someone else, who took it to three other people without even showing them what was in question...I just have this horrible feeling that I'm going to end up being far more heavily scrutinized than necessary because someone couldn't be bothered to talk to me about stuff that I wrote.

Or, for all I know, the story is completely different. I just know what Caryn was told.

Needless to say, I'm pissed. I left the grove in a bad mood yesterday and I don't know what's going on or anything right now.

DAMMIT!

I bought a pair of socks this evening. I left them in a bag, probably on the picnic table where I ate my dinner up near the Hunt Valley mall.

(Today, I couldn't figure out where I put any of my socks...I haven't worn socks since hmmm...April? So I stopped and picked up a pair (The shoes I'm wearing can be worn without socks, but feel kinda funny.) So I grabbed a pair. They were only $1, so it's not like they were some uber-great super-special socks, but my feet feel funny, so...)

It's not a big deal, it's just one more thing on top of everything else that because of everything else, feels so much worse. It's like throwing salt in a brushburn.

(no subject)

Okay...I got an email from raven a few minutes ago.

They want me to expend on my kindred and nature awareness essays. Okay, that's cool. A few hours work, I could have it done and submitted before I leave the office in the morning (If I can manage to get my brain back into some semblance of reasonable order).

but the mediation journal/essay part...I might have set myself back five months, having not presented my experience in any sort of timeline/progressive format. I don't think that I could do that with my meditation experience at this point. I might have to start from here and keep a journal for five months. I emailed back to ask, and await an answer.

Overall, not as bad as I had it in my mind, I am happy to know that I was overimagining things...but still, arg, it did have to be THAT requirement, didn't it?

In Other News...

I can *almost* do thread the needle with poi. As long as the strings are tied up short. But I keep smacking myself on the forearms and boobs. and I look silly doing it.

(no subject)

Dammit. I want to start putting my scarf together tonight...I want to arrange it based on the colors of the squares. And of course, like always, as soon as I start to do that, most of the lights in the office go off. If I try to turn them back on, there will be some degree of argument. I don't want to argue over something like this in the office, but I feel like I'm kinda being trampled on. There are no supervisors here at this time of night and I definitely DON'T want to give anyone the impression that I get involved in petty squabbles and can't work unsupervised.

Why in the hell is it that the people who DON'T want light always win out around here? Both tony and Gary always try to turn off all the lights...Gary usually leaves the ones right over me on, which is ideal, if the other lights must be turned off...but Tony sits under the same row of lights as me and insists that they be turned off...


I could bring in a desk lamp, but for pete's sake, I shouldn't need to use my own money to augment the more than ample lighting in the place.

(no subject)

I'm feeling very cranky/angsty/snarky. It's probably a good thing I'm at work because if I were home, I might just try to pick a fight with the roommates because I feel like picking a fight with someone right now. And that would be a bad thing because they haven't done anything to deserve it.

Why don't I just talk about what's on my mind? Well, for the moment there's not much else to say about the DP/CTP thing...and I'm actually feeling a lot less doubtful of myself now that I know where I stand. As for the other thing on my mind...well, it's sort of a two-part thing of which the main issue, some might see as a huge thing, but in the end, for me anyway it's not really a big deal. It's actually a related sort of side-issue that's really getting to me. That's the one where I have to tread lightly and proceed with caution (if at all) because it's one of those things where, if I were stupid, could have rather epically bad impact.

Leaving well enough alone is the safe option, but is that what I want to do? Is "safe" the right thing to do? I don't know. But for the moment, that's what I'm sticking with til I've had some more time to consider my thoughts.

And for the record, I know, I could easily talk to many of you fine folks reading about stuff on my mind...since one person has already emailed me and asked if I don't trust anyone...

I'm not dancing around in tightly-woven circles because I don't trust anyone to talk about what's on my mind, I trust many of you to some extent or another, there are a few that I would trust with my life...but this whole mess- or me not divulging details of what's on my mind anyway- comes down to one thing: ladies and gentlemen, I am stupidly superstitious when it comes to a few things. In this case, I've got it in my mind that if I let said thoughts escape my mind in the form of words, then no matter what, the worst possible outcome will result. I'm not writing more in friends-only or filtered or even private posts that only I can see. I'm not talking about it to anyone on AIM, or offline. Everyone is as in the dark about what's on my mind as anyone else.

I will try to keep the angsty stuff minimal from here on out. However, if I do pick a fight with anyone, I will recount it in glorious detail :-P