(no subject)

Arg. Why do I feel panicky? After I left the grove this afternoon, on the way home, my mood just went downhill and I started feeling a great deal of anxiety and self doubt. Usually when I'm feeling doubtful like that, I can point to any number of things and say "Yeah, I'm definitely unsure of *insert list of things here*. This time...I couldn't say anything for sure, not even "everything". I just felt doubtful about nothing in particular. And all kinds of seemingly sourceless anxiety.

shortly after I got home, I felt fine. Now...I'm not really feeling the doubt at the moment, but I'm getting the anxiety about double from what it was earlier. I feel like a fist is squeezing my stomach, and like I'm not quite breathing enough, and the only way to relieve it is to take a very sharp, deep breath...but it feels like I'm closer to beginning to hyperventilate when I do.

Maybe I should take a nap. Maybe that'll help get whatever it is out of my mind.

Blah.

I slept for a few hours, the panicky feeling is gone. Wish I knew where it came from. I also spent a decent chunk of the day being very unsure if I was actually in my own mind or someone else's. I haven't had that happen for more than a few minutes at a time for...hmmm...since mid-December? And I can't remember it happening in conjunction with the panicky since...gah, one day almost a year ago, around the end of April. I don't remember which happened first, I don't know when I started feeling er, out of my mind (I never know for sure, it's always a matter of suddenly realizing that that's what I feel like and not knowing how long I've felt like that, there's never any definite start/stop.)

I'm used to the "out of my mind" thing. I've had instances of feeling like I was watching my life like a movie and being unable to tell if it was real since I was a kid. Sometimes lasts only a few minutes, once in a great while, as much as three days, though it's usually, as far as I can tell, a couple of hours. I eventually learned how to snap myself out of it, but about a year and a half ago, it started becoming more difficult to snap myself out of, and the only thing I could really do was to wait it out. It didn't really affect my life and functionality- I always know that it's eventually going to go away, so I just wait til it does. But when it happens in conjunction with the panic, it's...hmm...well, really unpleasant, each seems to heighten the other a bit, and it's all really unpleasant. I don't know how to more clearly describe it. It's one part panic, one part watching me go about my life, as if "I" were someone else watching "my" life through the eyes of whoever "I" am, like a movie from the first person perspective. Um, that's the best I can do to describe it. *shrug*

It's passed. Hopefully has no reason to happen again anytime soon.