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Mar. 25th, 2006 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badstarFor as long as I can remember, I've always had moments where I don't quite feel like I belong in this world. Sometimes I wondered if I really was, or if I was just observing someone else. Or if i was stuck in a dream. Sometimes I really don't know if I'm dreaming or not and nothing can prove to me either way, because my dreams are often that super-real.
It used to really bug me. I mean, often do you encounter a 7-year-old that isn't sure that they're actually experiencing hat thy are, or if they're watching someone else experience it. I tried to tel my grandmother about it once, I said I felt like I was watching myself in a movie and her response was "does your mother treat you that badly that you wish you were watching a movie?" Mind you, my mother never treated me badly...though this was right around the beginning of the time when they had me convinced that she had treated me badly...but at the same time, I knew it had nothing to do with that so I never brought it up to her again. I also didn't bring it up to my mom because I was afraid that she'd try to make me go to a psychologist, or to see the pastor at the church she went to. That actually eventually did happen once, well she dragged a 4 of us to the Pastor's office one day after church. I have no idea how much she had told im about the situation, but all I remember is him asking me why I didn't want to live with her, and saying that my mother loves me and I just couldn't say anything because I didn't think it was his business, and I just wanted to be away from there but at the same time, I wanted to yel at my om and demand to know why she didn't love me and why she left me at my grandparents and say that she was only comng back now so she could get custody of all of us and get more back on her taxes...this is what my grandparents told me. I was in second grade...what the hell did I know?
Dammit, WHY does this stuff keep coming up in my mind? Why can't it just rise to the surface and be gone? I have never said this before, I've never thought it, because it's never been true...but I think I hate my grandmother.
I don't know what to do. I just don't know how to make it go away. I just want so much of my childhood to be gone, or the memory of it altered...I want what happened 20 years ago to stop hurting me now...
It used to really bug me. I mean, often do you encounter a 7-year-old that isn't sure that they're actually experiencing hat thy are, or if they're watching someone else experience it. I tried to tel my grandmother about it once, I said I felt like I was watching myself in a movie and her response was "does your mother treat you that badly that you wish you were watching a movie?" Mind you, my mother never treated me badly...though this was right around the beginning of the time when they had me convinced that she had treated me badly...but at the same time, I knew it had nothing to do with that so I never brought it up to her again. I also didn't bring it up to my mom because I was afraid that she'd try to make me go to a psychologist, or to see the pastor at the church she went to. That actually eventually did happen once, well she dragged a 4 of us to the Pastor's office one day after church. I have no idea how much she had told im about the situation, but all I remember is him asking me why I didn't want to live with her, and saying that my mother loves me and I just couldn't say anything because I didn't think it was his business, and I just wanted to be away from there but at the same time, I wanted to yel at my om and demand to know why she didn't love me and why she left me at my grandparents and say that she was only comng back now so she could get custody of all of us and get more back on her taxes...this is what my grandparents told me. I was in second grade...what the hell did I know?
Dammit, WHY does this stuff keep coming up in my mind? Why can't it just rise to the surface and be gone? I have never said this before, I've never thought it, because it's never been true...but I think I hate my grandmother.
I don't know what to do. I just don't know how to make it go away. I just want so much of my childhood to be gone, or the memory of it altered...I want what happened 20 years ago to stop hurting me now...
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no subject
Date: 2006-03-26 02:24 am (UTC)boy do I know that feeling. Wish I had some grand sage advice for you, but I think the only thing we can do is let ourselves feel what we are feeling.
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Date: 2006-03-26 02:25 am (UTC)