(no subject)

[badstar]

Damn. I lied. Or am still refusing to admit to myself. Maybe both. I don't know.

Becca asked me a question (scroll back a couple of posts) about what sort of wedding I would want to have.

That's usually the sort of question I find a way to change the subject on really quickly his time I didn't. And then Rob and Suzy are getting married (Congratualations you two!!!), and then another friend was just talking about how he's thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. And I'm so happy for these other people.

And I just reaized that the last time I've felt the way I do right now was was back at Christmas when my sister got engaged. (Not to say that this sort of issue has ALWAYS been what caused me to feel like this, but it's what's on my mind now.)

Am I jealous of people? I can't honestly say more than "I don't know"

I know that it does bother me that I'm 27 and have never met anyone that I would consider being in a really serious relationship with. Which, I guess, is just adult speak for "I've never had a boyfriend", but saying that is really junior-highish. And desperate-sounding.

It's not pathetic or desperate or at all bad to say "Gee I would like to meet someone that I could share my time and interests with, and maybe someday fall in love with them. Or not."

But somehow, when a statement like that comes from my mind, it's wrong.

Haven't I done enough proving to myself that I don't *need* anyone? What I *want* is a possibility.

Am I being too picky? Or, is some little part in my mind just dismissing everyone I meet saying "You don't *need* that. You're okay by yourself." I just can't get over the memories of all the giggly junior high and high school girls and "I want a boyfriend." and "Oh my god, you're not going out with anyone" in like...6th and 7th grade. Where yeah....the guy two rows over in history sure was cute but "Oh no I'm 13 and I don't have a boyfriend. Gee, I think i'll get over it."

I don't know. Just writing this, I want to delete it because I'm making these thoughts known. If you've been reading my journal for any length of time, you may have noticed that I may post that so and so is hot, cute otherwise goodlooking, or flirting with someone. Which never goes anywhere. And the extremely occasional first date which just...goes nowhere. Outside of that....I never think or talk about the future in terms of there possibily being someone else there. It's *me*, or *I*. There's never even a hypothetical *if*

I don't think that's what I want. But I don't know. And like I said, I have yet to meet anyone that I would even think of that sort of possibility with.

*flinches*

Comments

[nofate301.livejournal.com]

You can't let yourself get hung up like that. I can say that I'm jealous of others, but that's healthy. You're not angry at them for being happy or nothing, shit, you're happy on your own. So am I. It's not that we're lonely. It would just...be nice.

Don't be embarassed. This is normal! Normal as in what should be.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

again with the whole "i know this intellectually" thing....I'm good enough, i'm strong enough, I'm independent enough, i'm not "need need need"

See, I'm not...i'm not embarassed to say all this. I don't really care what other people think, and I know it's all ok.

It's more that in thinking or admitting this, I'm letting myself down. Which is a million times worse. It's a weakness that I shouldn't have. Again, I KNOW that it's not a weakness and perfectly normal. But hey...convince my brain of that.

[nofate301.livejournal.com]

*hugs*you've gotta take what love you get from those around you. Hell, snuggled up with mea one night and watch a movie. Same difference!

ok, I swear I wasn't going for anything but friends snuggling on a couch. honestly << >>

[liritsvoice.livejournal.com]

It's not pathetic or desperate or at all bad to say "Gee I would like to meet someone that I could share my time and interests with, and maybe someday fall in love with them. Or not."

we're social creatures. we do need companionship, nothing wrong with that. myself, i kinda feel too wimpy and girly if i even just admit to *myself* that i would like to have a boyfriend. but really, objectively, its NICE to spend time with someone who shares your interests and cares about you. :-) wherever you find fullfillment... in friends, boyfriends, whatever. if its what you want, go for it.

*hugs* :-)

[chironcentaur.livejournal.com]

Hey, I know where you're coming from. I've been alone my whole life and it sucks, I've neither met anyone I was interested in nor met anyone interested in me. And considering that I'm unattractive, unfeminine, emotionally damaged and just plain weird, I don't honestly see the situation improving anytime in the future.

If it makes you feel any better to know you're not alone.

[fervid-dryfire.livejournal.com]

I think it's great that you're willing to admit and/or "come to terms" with your feelings. Frankly, I believe that we all (single or otherwise) DO feel the same way: that we don't want to be alone; that we want a companion, someone we can give our love and attention to, who we can be comfortable trusting, and who can give us love and attention in return.

We're social animals, there's nothing unusual about having that desire!

Granted, some people in some circumstances may have a harder time FINDING such a person than others. Not all of us can marry the "highschool sweetheart," you know. So you gotta wait; in the meantime, talk to people, share a bit of your life with them, and learn about others. Eventually, it'll happen- you can find someone even (or perhaps especially) if you're not trying!

Just keep being (honest to) yourself. If nothing else, I respect you for being so willing to do so. =)