(no subject)
Apr. 26th, 2006 05:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
badstarDamn. I lied. Or am still refusing to admit to myself. Maybe both. I don't know.
Becca asked me a question (scroll back a couple of posts) about what sort of wedding I would want to have.
That's usually the sort of question I find a way to change the subject on really quickly his time I didn't. And then Rob and Suzy are getting married (Congratualations you two!!!), and then another friend was just talking about how he's thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. And I'm so happy for these other people.
And I just reaized that the last time I've felt the way I do right now was was back at Christmas when my sister got engaged. (Not to say that this sort of issue has ALWAYS been what caused me to feel like this, but it's what's on my mind now.)
Am I jealous of people? I can't honestly say more than "I don't know"
I know that it does bother me that I'm 27 and have never met anyone that I would consider being in a really serious relationship with. Which, I guess, is just adult speak for "I've never had a boyfriend", but saying that is really junior-highish. And desperate-sounding.
It's not pathetic or desperate or at all bad to say "Gee I would like to meet someone that I could share my time and interests with, and maybe someday fall in love with them. Or not."
But somehow, when a statement like that comes from my mind, it's wrong.
Haven't I done enough proving to myself that I don't *need* anyone? What I *want* is a possibility.
Am I being too picky? Or, is some little part in my mind just dismissing everyone I meet saying "You don't *need* that. You're okay by yourself." I just can't get over the memories of all the giggly junior high and high school girls and "I want a boyfriend." and "Oh my god, you're not going out with anyone" in like...6th and 7th grade. Where yeah....the guy two rows over in history sure was cute but "Oh no I'm 13 and I don't have a boyfriend. Gee, I think i'll get over it."
I don't know. Just writing this, I want to delete it because I'm making these thoughts known. If you've been reading my journal for any length of time, you may have noticed that I may post that so and so is hot, cute otherwise goodlooking, or flirting with someone. Which never goes anywhere. And the extremely occasional first date which just...goes nowhere. Outside of that....I never think or talk about the future in terms of there possibily being someone else there. It's *me*, or *I*. There's never even a hypothetical *if*
I don't think that's what I want. But I don't know. And like I said, I have yet to meet anyone that I would even think of that sort of possibility with.
*flinches*
Becca asked me a question (scroll back a couple of posts) about what sort of wedding I would want to have.
That's usually the sort of question I find a way to change the subject on really quickly his time I didn't. And then Rob and Suzy are getting married (Congratualations you two!!!), and then another friend was just talking about how he's thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. And I'm so happy for these other people.
And I just reaized that the last time I've felt the way I do right now was was back at Christmas when my sister got engaged. (Not to say that this sort of issue has ALWAYS been what caused me to feel like this, but it's what's on my mind now.)
Am I jealous of people? I can't honestly say more than "I don't know"
I know that it does bother me that I'm 27 and have never met anyone that I would consider being in a really serious relationship with. Which, I guess, is just adult speak for "I've never had a boyfriend", but saying that is really junior-highish. And desperate-sounding.
It's not pathetic or desperate or at all bad to say "Gee I would like to meet someone that I could share my time and interests with, and maybe someday fall in love with them. Or not."
But somehow, when a statement like that comes from my mind, it's wrong.
Haven't I done enough proving to myself that I don't *need* anyone? What I *want* is a possibility.
Am I being too picky? Or, is some little part in my mind just dismissing everyone I meet saying "You don't *need* that. You're okay by yourself." I just can't get over the memories of all the giggly junior high and high school girls and "I want a boyfriend." and "Oh my god, you're not going out with anyone" in like...6th and 7th grade. Where yeah....the guy two rows over in history sure was cute but "Oh no I'm 13 and I don't have a boyfriend. Gee, I think i'll get over it."
I don't know. Just writing this, I want to delete it because I'm making these thoughts known. If you've been reading my journal for any length of time, you may have noticed that I may post that so and so is hot, cute otherwise goodlooking, or flirting with someone. Which never goes anywhere. And the extremely occasional first date which just...goes nowhere. Outside of that....I never think or talk about the future in terms of there possibily being someone else there. It's *me*, or *I*. There's never even a hypothetical *if*
I don't think that's what I want. But I don't know. And like I said, I have yet to meet anyone that I would even think of that sort of possibility with.
*flinches*
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-27 05:23 am (UTC)we're social creatures. we do need companionship, nothing wrong with that. myself, i kinda feel too wimpy and girly if i even just admit to *myself* that i would like to have a boyfriend. but really, objectively, its NICE to spend time with someone who shares your interests and cares about you. :-) wherever you find fullfillment... in friends, boyfriends, whatever. if its what you want, go for it.
*hugs* :-)