Standing On Another Edge...

[badstar]

Coffee is good.

Whoever thought to put hazelnuts in bread is a genius.

So much for profundity. (Is that a word?)


I woke up incredibly upset yesterday and feeling like I had barely slept...another bad dream. Was really happy when Leah came in around 5am, making all kinds of noise and waking me up...but not happy when I fell back to sleep and the dream picked right up where it left off. Summary of dream...i was diagnosed with cancer, and even after being told that it was a form of cancer that was rarely fatal, and even though i felt perfectly fine, I knew I didn't have more than a day or two to live....at one point I heard a voice telling me it was time for me to "come home for a little while" and felt myself floating upwards....I started screaming "No! not yet! give me just one more day, wait til tomorrow!" I stopped floating, but didn't realize for a while that I was still alive, I thought i was a ghost, which was really upsetting. When I finally realized that I was actually alive, I became incredibly panicky and started going on about how I had to get cured by the next day, how I had to get rid of the cancer in the next 24 hours so I wouldn't die...

This is an easy one...massive change happening or soon to happen that I either am not, or think I am not ready for. I think the events of the dream were much more traumatic than anything, but by yesterday evening I was still pretty upset. Spent a good hour meditating, trying to figure out what it was that I'm not ready for, or maybe why...but that didn't help any, so I finally just said "Ok, fine...but I'm kinda scared at the moment....can I at least have a sign that I'm gonna be ok?"

Within 10 minutes, the sky ripped open with a huge thunderstorm. I was going to take a shower last night, but I ended up dancing outside in the rain instead....it was raining so hard that i could barely keep my eyes open. I was soaked completely through my clothes within seconds. The neighbors probably thought i was insane. The lightning was amazing....

the storm last week was great...something really special about it, but this...this was purely...wow. The words to describe how I felt last night simply don't exist. Lightning like I haven't seen since that electric storm the first night that I lived in Dallas. And it just kept going...every time I tried to turn to go inside, it would get even more dramatic, as if trying to keep my attention...it didn't have to try very hard.

Standing out there in the pouring rain, I felt this rush of pure joy, healing, ecstacy, renewal. Whatever it is/was, my fear is gone with the rain.

So whatever it is....bring it on.

Comments

Well...

[katskorner.livejournal.com]

Let's see if this will fit the foot? I know that this can be a very drianing thing for someone, but I wanted to ask you anyways, I figured you might be able to at least point me to someone who could possibly help me out. I want to learn more about Wicken beliefs. I want to learn more about the powers that people have, and how to better harness mine. I feel so off centered, well felt it anyways. I've been practicing what you said, and in only a couple days, I notice a difference. It's very much so tied into my emotions too. The angrier I am, the more powerful it works. I'll send you a private post explaining that one to you. It was, WOW! I want to learn, not so much to practice it on a daily basis, but just because, well, I know I need some harnessing and balance, and this just might be the key for both of those to me. Please help me.

Re: Well...

[fuego.livejournal.com]

hmmmm....good sources of information on Wiccan beliefs? umm....i need to think...most of the books that i've seen really aren't that great ( a lot of people will tell you to read silver Ravenwolf or Scott Cunningham....Cunningham's reference books on herbs and stuff are really good...but his books specifically on Wicca and elemental magic are pretty silly in my limited experience. And everythign I've seen by Ravenwolf was just....well, again silly.)

Hmmmm...ok, I have an idea....there's a book out there, easily found at Borders or B&N called Practical Solitary Magic by um...it's either Nancy Dalton or Nancy Watson. Dalton I think. Anyway, it's (mostly) a great book....there are a few things that are a tad far fetched and out there, which are pretty easy to pick out, but there's a lot of really good information about balance and direction and stuff, and what's really cool about it is that it's written from a religiously neutral point of view. I think it would be a really good jumping off point. It was one of the first few books I read myself. And it's not very expensive...I think about $13.

There are also a couple of really good books on urban paganism that have some good information about psychic self defense, Urban Magick by Christopher Penczak (EXCELLENT book...one of my favorites) and Urban Primitive by....oh geez, i think the authors are Lichteinstein and Kaldera...also a good book, with a more humorous approach and cartoony illustrations. Those are easy to find at the popular bookstores, and both are under $20.

I'll help you however I can. You might also want to get in touch with some pagan groups in the area... http://www.witchvox.com/wotw/groups_a/new_york_ga.html (http://www.witchvox.com/wotw/groups_a/new_york_ga.html)
is a good place to find some. Just talking to some others and seeing what they have to say is a great way to learn more. Just use your good judgement, because there are lots of weirdos out there.

Anyway...there's a little bit to start from *hugs*

Re: Well...

[katskorner.livejournal.com]

Thanks, your a great help, when I get settled down for a bit, I'll check into this in more detail. Right now, I'm "borrowing" the energy, which I've already been told is not a very good thing to do, but I'm really drained to begin with. I just keep telling myself, two more weeks, just two more weeks, come on, you can do it. I'll collapse with exhaustion soon, I know, I can feel it. Jess has been directing me to helpful things too. But, thanks.

Re: Well...

[fuego.livejournal.com]

borrowing energy? i'm not familiar with that...though i tend to run pretty high energy a lot of the time myself...

Re: Well...

[katskorner.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure it's borrowing it, if just feels like I have none, I'm completely tapped out, and I just kind of get boosts from other things. The only way I can explain it is like "borrowing it." It's a wierd feeling, really. Your grounding stuff may help me out a lot. Thanks.

Re: Well...

[fuego.livejournal.com]

from other things? still don't get it. hop on instant messenger sometime today, k? if i have an away message up, just message me anyway, i'll hear it....i'mnot going anywhere.

[sheepzeit.livejournal.com]

I wish my dreams were that direct at letting me know there was something in my life I needed to watch out for. I think dreams like that are really helpful and stimulating.

[fuego.livejournal.com]

it's crazy. it can be scary at times....very unpleasant. but they're not always that traumatic. how much attention do you pay to your dreams? did you ever try consciously asking yourself to tel you things in your dreams? sounds silly but it works for some people...

[sheepzeit.livejournal.com]

I could try.... Most of the times I have some kind of unconscious stress in my life and that makes me have dreams that are kind of like worst-case-scenerio, which isn't necessarily good!