(no subject)

[badstar]

So a bit before 4 this morning, I was sitting here feeling in a reasonably good mood- pretty significantly better than a few hours before that. Listening to...eh, whatever was playing on iTunes at the time. I started to feel a little weird- I can only describe it as feeling like I had no stomach. It was as if my abdominal area was hollow. And my vision became a little blurry...I figured I was just getting tired and blinked a couple of times- that usually clears it up.

And then I just suddenly, randomly felt like I was going to start crying- violently. I didn't, but I felt like that for several minutes. It was a strictly physical sensation...mentally, I felt normal. While I was feeling like this, I had this image in my mind of grapevines tangled around my wrists. And I swear I could fell them too. Not tightly, but somewhat firmly. And not holding me to anything, just twined around my wrists like bracelets. And as I felt them, I started to feel uneasily calm, a sort of tenuous peacefulness.

When this passed, I settled back in my chair and blinked again...well, closed my eyes. They didn't open for quite a while. But I wasn't falling asleep. For a while, I just sat there. I felt like I was rushing upwards through the air, and I felt like I was somewhere else. But I was still also here. I was consciously aware of the music playing on my computer and which songs were playing, but my awareness of them was there and gone. I remember being aware of them playing, and which songs they were, but I don't remember now which ones. I wasn't really thinking. I was...how do I describe it? There was something going on in my mind- subconsciously maybe? Or like some thought was trying to form and I wasn't actively concentrating on it, I was passively letting it try to happen. Wait, no...it was like someone was trying to talk to me, It was like talking on a phone that's muted, but the mute doesn't quite work so you can tell that something is being said but you can't actually hear what.

And my sense of time got even more wacky than usual. I felt like I was sitting here for hours. But I know that only three songs played in that time, and I happened to look at the clock just before and just after, so I know that it was only a matter of about fifteen minutes.

After that, I was feeling a little blurry-brained (yeah, I just made that up.) so I pushed my chairs together and laid down on them for a bit. The upwards-rushing sensation and the passive-thought-forming continued. And again, time seemed to pass infinitely slowly despite the fact that I was continuously aware of how many songs were playing on my computer. it felt like hours, but I was only laying down for a bit less than half an hour.

And once I sat up again, I felt clearer in my mind than I have all night. I'm thinking about how I was feeling all moody and ambivalent and apathetic earlier tonight and I can only wonder why on earth I felt that way. I don't get it. But I feel exponentially better. So I guess I'm not complaining. Just confused.

The hell?

I can't explain any of it. This weird mood thing is well, weird.

Comments

[fuego.livejournal.com]

oh yeah...I haven't really talked about some things on LJ but this isn't all, there are some other things going on that I can separate out and sometimes pinpoint one event or group of events or things in my mind to this shift or another to that, but it's not always the case. It definitely makes sense that it seems to be a piece of the puzzle- but by no means is it the whole. But I think that there are several things at work playing off of each other and each probably magnifies the other somewhat and the result is that my mood gets loopy...