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Sometimes...
Jun. 28th, 2005 01:10 amSometimes I wish I could be a little more conventional, just for a day or something...no I'm not weirdest person ever, but I don't exactly toe the straight and narrow either. And here I start with the "my family" thing again..My sister and brothers really don't know me. I don't really know them, though I know I know them a bit better than they know me. They might be able to guess at my favorite color. They couldn't tell you my favorite movie. They look at me and they think I'm dumb, abnormal, stupid, embarassing, weird, whatever.
Sometimes I wish that just for oh...a day, I could just find myself back in PA, with regular reddish-brown hair, working at a job my grandmother would like for me..a teacher, a nurse, somethign like that, with a nice little house a kid or two, in love with a guy who's nice, stable and kinda boring. Not because most of my family seems to think I should...but to see what it's like. When my mom was my age, she had been married for almost 9 years and had 4 kids. Granted, I still say my parents never should have gotten married, let alone stayed married for 11 years, but I'm not going off on my pointed disagreement on the issue of getting married or staying married "for the kids"
What's my point? I don't know. Am I happy that I've chosen a life slightly less ordinary? Yes. Am I sure? Yes. I kinda wish I could see myself as my family sees me...again out of curiousity. i know how they feel about me...I'm still "Mommy's Little Girl", Samantha adores me, Chelle, Mike and Anthony scoff at me. My father...I dunno, I guess he loves me? My grandmother (and in the past, my grandfather)...wish I were different...but still, it's always been very thinly veiled that I'm The Favored One (And don't for a second think that I enjoy it or ever have. If I really wanted, I could have anything within their means (Ok, now just my grandmother's, but still very clear that it's all still *theirs*), but it would come at a very steep price. I would forever owe an unpayable debt of gratitude that would be held over my head. I know what they think of me...but how do they see me? What, who do they see when they look at me?
How do you see me?
Sometimes I wish that just for oh...a day, I could just find myself back in PA, with regular reddish-brown hair, working at a job my grandmother would like for me..a teacher, a nurse, somethign like that, with a nice little house a kid or two, in love with a guy who's nice, stable and kinda boring. Not because most of my family seems to think I should...but to see what it's like. When my mom was my age, she had been married for almost 9 years and had 4 kids. Granted, I still say my parents never should have gotten married, let alone stayed married for 11 years, but I'm not going off on my pointed disagreement on the issue of getting married or staying married "for the kids"
What's my point? I don't know. Am I happy that I've chosen a life slightly less ordinary? Yes. Am I sure? Yes. I kinda wish I could see myself as my family sees me...again out of curiousity. i know how they feel about me...I'm still "Mommy's Little Girl", Samantha adores me, Chelle, Mike and Anthony scoff at me. My father...I dunno, I guess he loves me? My grandmother (and in the past, my grandfather)...wish I were different...but still, it's always been very thinly veiled that I'm The Favored One (And don't for a second think that I enjoy it or ever have. If I really wanted, I could have anything within their means (Ok, now just my grandmother's, but still very clear that it's all still *theirs*), but it would come at a very steep price. I would forever owe an unpayable debt of gratitude that would be held over my head. I know what they think of me...but how do they see me? What, who do they see when they look at me?
How do you see me?
