(no subject)

Before I went to sleep last night, I lit some incense and wrote a prayer..and then fell to slep very quickly.

I had a weird dream.

The first part of it that I remembered was being in a warehouse- no clue how I got thereor why I was there but it was full of boxes and stuff against the walls, and in the middle of the floor was a smal stack of boxes and stuff, and a fork lift. Several of these boxes had packing labels with my name on them. They were being shipped to an Air Force base in Chicago. (Apparently in my dream, I had joined the air force in some sort of civilian capacity) There was an older lady running the forklift and I looked at the boxes, then turned to her and asked if they were really mine. She said that they were. And then I asked if I was being transferred to Chicago...she said I was, today. iwas upset because I had just started taking some college classes, and a couple of other women came over and told me how other people were in the same situation, and they were all going to study education when they go to Chicago. They said that in such a way that they weren't directly saying that I should do the same thing, but it was pretty obvious that that was how they felt. and I was upset about going to Chicago from...wherever I was? Without any sort of warning. But I felt a little better when unprotoize walked in and reminded me that she was living in Chicago.


Weird. Really effing weird. No, i'm not moving to Chicago, haha. But it would seem that I should possibly keep my eye out for some sudden, unexpected event in which I eventually find some familiarity?

*Grumble*

I feel...icky. Not getting-sick icky, but ick. All alone in a huge crowd of people, can't do anyhitng right, can't make anything work, never gonna do what I want to do, gonna be stagnate here wherever I am for another twenty or thirty years icky.

The worst part about this feeling is that when I think of everything being okay, wonderful, getting better, being happy, whatever, it doesn't seem okay. It's not like I can't think of anyhitng being better- I can, but I just can't imagine myself feeling any better for it.

The problem is, I don't know what's really wrong. If you've been reading my journal for more than a few months, you've probably seen me post at some point or other about feeling helplessly lonely and patheticly alone from time to time, it tends to come up maybe two or three times a year. And it's gone within a week, and once it's gone, I can't imagine why I would ever feel that way. And while I do feel that way, I know it's going to be gone soon, so I just carry on like nothing is wrong until it is. I was six or seven when I remember first feeling like this. I don't know if it's just the occasional blahs, or some sort of very low-grade depression, but I can't stand it and I really wish it would just stop happening.

Last night at one point, I felt like I was being kicked in the stomach. I feel even more "Like this" than what usually happens. This is starting to remind me an awful lot of a week that I had once about three years ago. Oh...and I just now realized that at some point between this week and next, Alex died ten years ago.

A note to those I live with...I'm trying to avoid it...but if I get cranky or seem to be paying less attention than usual to anything or exhibit other out of the blue weirdness, try not to totally kill me. K?

(no subject)

That's it. I'm fucking sick of this.