What if...?

Dammit, I'm really not in a good mood right now. I feel like I need to sleep. Or cry. Or...I dunno. Scream? Kick something? Pick a fight?

I've no idea where this came from, but today when I woke up (earlier in the day, not in the afternoon after that dream) I laid there on my bed, staring up at the ceiling and I found myself very seriously contemplating dropping the clergy training program.

I don't know why. but for a moment, the thought was so clear in my mind, and I remember thinking how it would be fine, the gods would be okay with it, and how whatever else is to come in the future would fulfill this damned inexplicable need that I had to pursue clergy training.

After about a minute, I shook myself out of it. It wouldn't be okay. Whatever happens, one thing is not a substitute for another and I endured too much headache and stupidity and time shaking my fist in the general direction of California as Raven asked me for more essay rewrites without being specific as to what the problem was.

I didn't start this to give up before I even got into it. What the hell, where did the idea that I should drop it even come from? I AM doing this the right way. Aren't I? Aren't I?

Dammit, I want to be home right now. If I were home, I could go to my room and turn off the lights and put a pillow over my head and go to sleep and hope that this passed in the night.

Dammit, this hurts. Badly. It'll pass. But I'm scared that it won't. What if I am doing this the wrong way? How much time will I have wasted? Am I wasting time?

My stomach feels like it's tied up in knots. I don't want to be here. On top of everything else, this office is sweltering. If I turn down the heat at all, it will freeze. I'm in a bad mood, and I don't feel like having earphones jammed into my ears, but if I take them out, I'm afraid that Tiffany will start yapping again (Brian left at midnight, so there's only me if she starts talking) and then I might actually make good on that desire to pick a fight. Which is a bad idea.

I'm going to find myself a cold caffeinated beverage.

(no subject)

Okay, I figured out how to turn off the heating in here. And I have a cold, caffeinated beverage. My stomach isn't quite in the same knots as it was a few minutes ago, and my head is considerably clearer. I don't feel a grating need to kick or scream, and the feelings of doubt and questioning are still there, but I've got some breathing room from them. I still want to go home and sleep.

Unfortunately, all this tells me is that I just very nearly thought myself into a panic attack. Brilliant. How fucking brilliant of me. I've done that once or twice before.

Saying this with a reasonably clear mind right now: Am I really as sure as I say I am? Seriously, am I making a mistake? If I were truly sure of everything, would I have gotten myself so upset? Or did I get so upset because it matters so much?


Edit: Dammit. the upset, panicky brain is setting back in. Okay...how to get my mind off this....

Edit^2: Calm again. Annnnnd Tiffany's gone to lunch and wandered away. Bonus!

Three Hymns and one Ode to Apollo

( Ode to Apollo by John Keats )

( Hymn To Apollo by John Keats )

( Hymn To Apollo by Percy Bysshe Shelley )

( Hymn to Apollo by John Lyly )

(no subject)

I have quite a list of poetry to the ancient Greek gods and based on mythology that is in the public domain that I intend to gather in one spot.

Emo no more...

Til it happens again anyway. Woohoo, last night was sucktastic. But it's over. Apologies for spamming y'all's friends lists :-P

I think I'm going to take the staff to the grove on Saturday for some post-ritual spinning.