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Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don't
Dec. 3rd, 2006 06:24 pmWhy do I suddenly feel like I'm a bad person who's doing everything wrong and no matter what I do differently, I'm going to still be a bad person?
Dec. 3rd, 2006
(no subject)
Dec. 3rd, 2006 08:43 pmI have a breakpoint, it just takes a lot more to get to it than almost anyone I know. And sometimes it feels like I'm there...and then the fuse just stops sparking.
A few hours ago, there was a LOT going on in my mind that was really getting to me and upsetting me. I was about to snap at someone and instead I went out and walked around Mt Vernon for an hour and I came back, and stomped around a bit (well, as much as I ever "stomp") and I spent a couple of hours knitting a scarf and forcing myself not to bawl my eyes out, and then suddenly, it wasn't that everything was great and okay, but I couldn't figure out why things were getting to me on the level that they were. The things that upset me still are on my mind, and grating on my nerves a bit, but I'm not going to bite anyone's head off. It's not the end of the world. I know I haven't done anything wrong, I'll be ok.
Sometimes when this happens though, I feel kinda let down that I didn't actually lsoe it. I mean, sometimes I *want* to. Because I never do. When the fuse is a mile long and hard to light to begin with, things just never get to that point. (Or if they do, I have no choice but to use my better judgement, like at work, where I almost lit into someone the other day, but instead I put them on hold and made someone else deal with it because I promise you, I'd have lost my job otherwise.)
A few hours ago, there was a LOT going on in my mind that was really getting to me and upsetting me. I was about to snap at someone and instead I went out and walked around Mt Vernon for an hour and I came back, and stomped around a bit (well, as much as I ever "stomp") and I spent a couple of hours knitting a scarf and forcing myself not to bawl my eyes out, and then suddenly, it wasn't that everything was great and okay, but I couldn't figure out why things were getting to me on the level that they were. The things that upset me still are on my mind, and grating on my nerves a bit, but I'm not going to bite anyone's head off. It's not the end of the world. I know I haven't done anything wrong, I'll be ok.
Sometimes when this happens though, I feel kinda let down that I didn't actually lsoe it. I mean, sometimes I *want* to. Because I never do. When the fuse is a mile long and hard to light to begin with, things just never get to that point. (Or if they do, I have no choice but to use my better judgement, like at work, where I almost lit into someone the other day, but instead I put them on hold and made someone else deal with it because I promise you, I'd have lost my job otherwise.)
(no subject)
Dec. 3rd, 2006 10:09 pmYesterday was lots of fun, if a comedy in miscommunications.
Chris didn't make it, called around 1 to let me know that he was sick. Everyone was running late. Nicole and I ventured down to the Harbor and got there around 3, walked back and forth between the science center and the corner of Pratt and Light a few times before finding![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aikinut and ding_0_. Eventually, Courtney, Chrissy and Megan showed up, as did Phil. Jackie, Wes, Steph, Jesse, Steph's parents, dcnblus and I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Afterwards we all ventured over to bluehouse for a while where we had food, and then eventually back to my house where liritsvoice showed up with the best birthday card EVER, we snuggled a bit on the sofa and goofed off til she had to leave, and then Jackie and Wes had to leave. Chrissy, Megan and Courtney were still around, so we played some board games and then there was a spontaneous pie-baking effort around midnight. (Oh, and the birthday mini-cake thing. Deadly.) Then they left around two and there was sleep.
This morning, I started knitting a scarf- which will be finished as soon as the ball of yarn runs out. It will be a decently long scarf. I'm actually considering unravelling the recycled silk crocheted granny squares that have been sitting in my room forever now, plying them with another yarn (plain cotton maybe, but I'm not sure) and knitting them into a blanket on these-here gihugeic needles. It's either that, or having to buy a lot more yarn to finish a granny-square blanket. And I think stripes would look cool. And that much more silk yarn would be REALLY heavy. (The pile of squares is already effing heavy to begin with).
That however, will all take place after I've finished Christmas presents for my assorted family members.
More planning for Yule happened today. Courtney baked an apple pie for my birthday (That along with the cherry pie that Steph made, which is still here...) and I performed a Run Valdr attunement (with at least one more to do next week.)
I should sleep soon. I feel like I've been awake forever.
Chris didn't make it, called around 1 to let me know that he was sick. Everyone was running late. Nicole and I ventured down to the Harbor and got there around 3, walked back and forth between the science center and the corner of Pratt and Light a few times before finding
aikinut and ding_0_. Eventually, Courtney, Chrissy and Megan showed up, as did Phil. Jackie, Wes, Steph, Jesse, Steph's parents, dcnblus and I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Afterwards we all ventured over to bluehouse for a while where we had food, and then eventually back to my house where liritsvoice showed up with the best birthday card EVER, we snuggled a bit on the sofa and goofed off til she had to leave, and then Jackie and Wes had to leave. Chrissy, Megan and Courtney were still around, so we played some board games and then there was a spontaneous pie-baking effort around midnight. (Oh, and the birthday mini-cake thing. Deadly.) Then they left around two and there was sleep.This morning, I started knitting a scarf- which will be finished as soon as the ball of yarn runs out. It will be a decently long scarf. I'm actually considering unravelling the recycled silk crocheted granny squares that have been sitting in my room forever now, plying them with another yarn (plain cotton maybe, but I'm not sure) and knitting them into a blanket on these-here gihugeic needles. It's either that, or having to buy a lot more yarn to finish a granny-square blanket. And I think stripes would look cool. And that much more silk yarn would be REALLY heavy. (The pile of squares is already effing heavy to begin with).
That however, will all take place after I've finished Christmas presents for my assorted family members.
More planning for Yule happened today. Courtney baked an apple pie for my birthday (That along with the cherry pie that Steph made, which is still here...) and I performed a Run Valdr attunement (with at least one more to do next week.)
I should sleep soon. I feel like I've been awake forever.
